tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-287656642024-03-13T09:33:55.106-05:00Quiet Lessons in Breathing DeeplyQUIET LESSONS IN BREATHING DEEPLY...
Lessons I'm learning along the way of parenting my 4 boys(or attempting to learn anyway)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.comBlogger148125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-32991461971724740682016-06-21T22:13:00.002-05:002016-06-21T22:36:01.970-05:00Life passes quicklyMother~On this day 11 years ago you drove up to walk my sweet baby out after a night of prodromal labor. You arrived early on the morning of 6/21 and we walked together. Later that afternoon you drove home only to be called back My water broke with Gavin on 6/21 but no contractions, He wouldn't met my arms until 6/22.<br />
That sweet baby is turning 11 tomorrow and it has been 6 1/2 years since you and I last touched (<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=28765664#editor/target=post;postID=3580569158064812120;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=18;src=postname">So long ago</a>}. As I drove the boys to DeLeon, I thought of you and missed you so much I teared up. That doesn't happen often anymore, most thoughts are sweet and wistful but not heartbreaking.Gavin looked at me with that same sweet face he had those days into weeks into months those years ago when I missed you hard and deep and burst into tears daily. I told him he had been so sweet after you passed on and he said "She's in a better place, Mom", True`but so far away and far too long.<br />
I miss you, Mom. Life passed so quickly fro you.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-55180233486292414482015-04-21T21:12:00.001-05:002015-04-21T21:26:14.341-05:00I don't say it much, but I am thankful!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">James was born with a birth defect. He <span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">was born with a <a href="http://www.sickkids.ca/PlasticSurgery/What-we-do/Vascular-Anomalies-Clinic/Vascular-Malformations/Lympathic%20Malformations/">Lymphatic Malformation</a>; a condition that affects 1 in 4000 live births. Lymphatic malformations are rare non-malignant masses consisting of fluid-filled channels or spaces thought to be caused by the abnormal development of the lymphatic system. Often described as a sponge-like collection of abnormal growths that contain clear fluid. Macrocystic malfor</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">mations are large, soft, smooth clear masses under normal or bluish skin. Microcystic malformations present as small, raised lesions containing clear fluid. Superficial (visible) lesions may present as tiny clear bubbles that sometimes become dark red due to bleeding. There is no known cause for this condition and it is not genetic. We found out our child had this condition at our 28 week ultrasound. </span></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">James was a lucky one as he has had amazing treatment and outcome from that treatment. Many children born with LM live with tracheotomy, feeding tubes, and ongoing treatments.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">I am part of a FB group <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/lymphaticmalformation/10153348313232249/?comment_id=10153348465127249&notif_t=like">Lymphatic Malformation Awareness Group</a> and am reminded every day how lucky we are. James is thriving and happy. There was a time each day was filled with questions of survival, treatment plans, and fear. I am very thankful for the health of my family! </span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">Here are some previous posts on this journey:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/search/label/Lymphatic%20malformation">Blog posts on LM</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-41486229883340999602014-03-17T20:49:00.002-05:002014-03-17T20:55:17.750-05:00Mothering is a tough journeyAn open letter to the Mom's in all of us:<br />
<div>
The other day I commented on an article you'd been reading. The article gave you comfort in your parenting struggles and I commented on the facts of the article. I am sorry! </div>
<div>
I am sorry for hurt you feel to the Mom's who wanted to breasted but found challenges they could not overcome in any way for any reason. I am sorry for the judgement you feel to those who chose not to breastfeed for whatever reasons best for your family. I am sorry for confusion and sadness to those who got misinformation along the way in your breastfeeding journey. I am sorry for the negativity to those who chose tandem nursed or breastfed into toddler hood. I am sorry for not hearing you when you were crying out that you felt less than, or criticized in any way.<br />
It's been a long time since I breastfed my fourth and last baby. My breastfeeding relationships were not without challenges, but were ultimately long and successful relationships. I am thankful. At the time I was active in supporting other Mom's in their breastfeeding challenges. It's easy to lose site of the emotion and focus only on the facts when reading an article. The emotion is what's real to anyone "in the heart of it" and I stepped away and forgot that for a moment. </div>
<div>
What I should have said to you was "there are so many challenges along the road of mothering, we all have to accept we do the best we can with what we have". What I want you to know is that we've all felt judged by each-other and I am sorry if I have contributed to that in any way...along the way of mothering. Your feelings and struggles are valid.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-43942665234058490592014-01-14T15:51:00.004-06:002015-04-21T21:15:35.681-05:00How time fliesFour years ago I was just starting what would be a very long and painful journey. We lost you four years ago today, Mom.How has it already been so long?<br />
<div>
<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html">http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html</a></div>
<div>
I sat and really thought about those last moments on the way home last night. I mostly think of you and smile these days but I miss you and the time we could still be having if cancer hadn't stolen you away. I miss how much you would have loved the boys shenanigans. Gavin is a daily joy and gives us cause to giggle so often. It would have been so fun for you.</div>
<div>
James is still the kindest hearted boy and just as you said "classic". Michael and Andrew had so much time with you and I often think of them with you at the ages Gavin and James are. They have the best memories!</div>
<div>
We've moved forward but not a day goes by that I do not feel you. I know you were ok the minute you closed your eyes that early morning. I am ok now, but wish you were still here. We loved you into the next life just as you loved us into this one!</div>
<div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-62650351748815166862013-09-30T22:05:00.000-05:002015-04-21T21:29:02.467-05:00Just a glimpse...I read an article about a man who saw a last glimpse of his grandmother on Google maps. You know, the site where you can zoom in and see your home(or anyone's home) in close up detail. It's a satellite photo and Andrew had recently posted on Facebook that Penny(his dog) was in the photo of his old house in Austin.<br />
I logged on and put in your address, Mom. I hoped to see you in your back yard, watering plants in your pajama's. Maybe it would have been on one of those early mornings like the ones when I was visiting with the babies. I'd wake up and you would be outside, hose in hand, watering your plants. I hoped for one last glimpse of you, but it wasn't to be.<br />
It's been almost 4 years. How could it be 4 years without you?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-10353568923331749922013-09-08T18:56:00.000-05:002013-09-08T19:36:26.707-05:00Missed Calls<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4Kqu_sGUTPo/Ui0LNPqrTXI/AAAAAAAAAIc/Q1EFGrtclsc/s1600/Boys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4Kqu_sGUTPo/Ui0LNPqrTXI/AAAAAAAAAIc/Q1EFGrtclsc/s320/Boys.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
On August first, I couldn't find my phone. I started looking for it at about 9:30. I "needed" to find it. It was my day off and the boys and I were home. Jim was still home as well.<br />
About 30 minutes later I found my phone and noticed I had missed a call from Michael. I checked my voice mail and heard a strangers voice with loud sirens and screeching in the background. He said in a nervous but clear voice. "I am calling for Michael. He's been in an accident(he drives a scooter) and is being loaded into the ambulance."<br />
I went numb. I tried to call his phone back but it went to voice mail.<br />
I began frantically searching for clothing while holding my phone and repeating "Oh my God, Oh my God". I couldn't find anything to put on.<br />
I still have no idea what I wore. I told the boys to put on shoes and Jim said something about going to the hospital and calling me, to which I replied simply, "I am going".<br />
The boys and I drove. they asked if Michael was alright. I couldn't answer. I remember saying quietly "I don't know, but we'll be ok". It was as much for myself as them. I called Andrew and left a message. I called my sister and parents.<br />
I knew he had been taking his girlfriend to work and going to work himself. I was worried about both of them and it seems cruel to make someone find a parking space in this state, I told the boys.<br />
<br />
We made it to the ER and were taken to Michael. He was wearing just boxers and covered in blood. I walked into the room and around to the left side and noticed the giant hole in his arm. He was shaking from the pain, so I tried to hug him and he cried out. His body was raw from road rash but miracle of all miracles, his face and head were safe! I touched his hair the way I did when he was a baby.<br />
<br />
He had to have surgery to repair missing bone and his wound on his arm. He was in the hospital for 3 days.It was a moment in time I never want to repeat but I am so thankful to have had that moment in time with him! Another reminder that every moment is so precious!<br />
<br />
He is working to recover and we are now battling the other drivers insurance.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-68157443730233814312013-07-25T09:50:00.000-05:002013-07-25T09:56:48.742-05:00They really don't fitJames is **gasp** almost 10. In my mind he is still so tiny. It's hard to imagine that he is halfway to adulthood. the reality set in this morning.<br />
James has insisted he has not shorts most of the summer and I have insisted he just wasn't looking hard enough. This morning I was encouraging him to speed up his dressing so brought him an outfit. We needed to leave for science camp and he was taking far too much of his own sweet time.<br />
He walked in, shorts halfway over his hips and said "they don't fit". His size 8 shorts, that look sooo big, really were stuck at his hips. They really don't fit! This of course means he's not a tiny boy:(<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-32310800279438858412013-06-23T12:25:00.000-05:002013-06-23T12:25:06.445-05:00<table bgcolor="#ffffff" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0">
<tr><td><a href="http://smilebox.com/play/4d7a63784d5463314d6a493d0d0a&blogview=true&campaign=blog_playback_link&partner=smileboxf" target="_blank"><img alt="Click to play this Smilebox collage" height="330" src="http://smilebox.com/snap/4d7a63784d5463314d6a493d0d0a.jpg" style="border: medium none;" width="420" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td><a href="http://www.smilebox.com/?partner=smileboxf&campaign=blog_snapshot" target="_blank"><img alt="Create your own collage - Powered by Smilebox" height="46" src="http://www.smilebox.com/globalImages/blogInstructions/blogLogoSmilebox.gif" style="border: medium none;" width="420" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td align="center">Customize your own <a href="http://www.smilebox.com/collages.html?campaign=blog_playback_link&partner=smileboxf" target="_blank">collage</a></td></tr>
</table>
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-1375252248843843992013-06-21T17:30:00.000-05:002013-06-21T19:09:02.408-05:00How much I've learned...In the years since I started this blog so much has changed. My babies have become boys, my boys have become young men and the one who started it all, my Mom, left me here(well, not really but it felt that way for a bit).<br />
<br />
My babies are teaching me to stop. I don't often take moments to decompress and just be. When Gavin was an infant I couldn't even sit still long enough for him to nurse. He would often nurse, legs dangling and me doing something or chasing someone:). I joke now that he learned to eat on the go, but really I feel a sense of sadness for him that I started his life off with my sense of urgency to "do it now". I have been trying very hard to really listen to my sweet 7 and 9 now year old's, they will be gone before I know it! Can you believe James was a baby when I started this blog? Babies for but a moment in time.<br />
<br />
My boys are teaching me that boys really do become men, far sooner than we imagine. When they are men you cannot protect them from mistakes like you could as babies and boys. It is so much easier to be a mother to tiny tots than to boys and boys becoming men. You have to trust that the background noise playing in their heads (you know, all those things you said you "would never say again" or...)will help them make good and safe decisions, and just love them along the way! And now I wish I could say all those things for years more.<br />
<br />
My Mom's death taught me more than I can even explain to myself. I thought I would break into tears at the thought of her for the rest of my life, I thought I would never be me again, I thought I would feel alone and empty like I did that first year, forever. I didn't and don't. I miss her so much but it doesn't feel like an open wound anymore, I feel whole and secure and happy she was who she was. I accept that she was a flawed but amazing woman and I accept that I can be flawed and amazing, too! More than anything, I know that those last days I told her what I needed and she heard us when we told her goodbye.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-88909637478075136742012-09-20T09:22:00.001-05:002013-06-21T17:32:43.374-05:00Sometimes...Somtimes a moment touches you and the wishes come flooding back. I was laying in bed this morning thinking of Mom. It's only when I let the wishes and wants saturate my mind that I cry now. I think of her often and mostly it is for a moment and then I move on. It feels good to think of her and not miss her so much it hurts, but today the wishes overtook. It hurts.<br />
I wish she was still here to see the boys, my garden, my home repainted and porch restained. I wish she was here to see my closet. She loved shopping and I have done quite a bit lately at ESCADA. She would have loved it. I would have loved it with her.<br />
What brings on the wishes and wants...hard to tell. Mostly I think of her and smile, just wistfull of the fun and time we had together. Sometimes I miss her for selfish reasons, all the help she offered with my boys, the long talks when I needed her.<br />
Today I thought of her and those last hours. I wished I would have brought her home and let her be here for her last moments. I think of her trying to get out of bed the hour before she died. She wanted to get out of that room. I wish I would have made that happen!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/bJkSm1vexFU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
I thought of my brother, Forest Fagan, sitting beside her playing this song. So beautiful!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-54548398585377118532012-06-20T19:09:00.001-05:002013-06-21T17:33:24.058-05:00Understanding the absurditiesI am loving this summer. We just finished another fun family(sadly missing Andrew)trip to Mustang Island. My Aunt Gail and cousin Hypatia joined us for 5 days of sun, sand, dolphins, turtles, crabs, and a couple man of wars thrown in to stir things up. The boys swam for hours int he pool, played in the sand and even did a little skim boarding.<br />
I also love that James is at the age of understanding absurdities in life and that he see's(and often makes me see) the humor as well. Case in point, Gavin often wants as little food as possible to get him to desert. I am not sure how this started, but nearly every meal begins with him asking "how many bites do I have to eat?" and me saying, "Just eat as much as your tummy can hold" or "Eat until you feel full".<br />
Gavin: Can I have a dmstick?<br />
Mommy: No, we need to eat dinner.(but honestly today was one of those days I thought about just letting him eat the ice cream)<br />
Gavin: What can I have?<br />
Mommy: I don't know what we are having. What about this piece of pizza(pulling out a small leftover piece of pizza)?<br />
Gavin: Okay<br />
He ets the pizza and get a drumstick. James walks in.<br />
Gavin to James: I already had dinner<br />
James(confused): What did you have?<br />
Gavin: A piece of pizza<br />
James(half smiling with his "what is wrong with this crazy house" look): What the heck?(shrugging) I had 3/4 of a pizza.<br />
Mommy: Well then I guess you won't be hungry.<br />
James: I'm not a bit hungry.<br />
Mommy: Well you know Gavins goal is to eat as little real food as possible. You can have a desert, too.<br />
<br />
It made me giggle!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-30357728256953267082012-01-12T10:33:00.000-06:002012-01-12T10:33:43.925-06:00This year2011 flew by...feels like I hardly caught my breath it was so quick. The boys are doing great in school, we hired a new Nanny who is FABULOUS, Andrew and Mickel are both in Austin and Andrew started school(still fingers crossed for Mikel to go back) and I changed jobs. <div><br />
<div>In 2 days it will be 2 years since Mom died. It is still so hard to believe and I miss her every day. Every day has gotten brighter and I can officially say 2011 I came out of mourning! We are going to DeLeon this weekend to see my parents and have a special moment for her!</div></div><div><br />
</div><div>This year we are doing alot of home projects. It is like a tiny bit of torture each time, but the end result is good:)</div><div><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-84630347977737176012011-10-05T11:21:00.000-05:002011-10-05T11:21:20.304-05:00Birthday weekWhen you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran<br />
<br />
It is my birthday week, so my thoughts of my Mom flood in. I think of her often. I miss her often, but missing her calls on these days is a very open reminder of the distance we have between us. And of course blogging about her always brings a flood of emotions.<br />
<br />
Last year I had a "<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/10/moments-in-ordinary-days.html">moment"</a> right before my birthday. I wonder what this year will bring?<br />
<br />
This year I have made a life changing decision without talking to mom. It is the first ever, I always discussed these things with her(she was a sounding board as I did not always do things the way she would have). No a new opportunity is presenting itself, I try to think of what we would discuss. The daily conversations would be rampant right now as I would call each time I ahd a new thought and she would listen...sometimes not saying much and sometimes so much.<br />
<br />
In an odd change of events, I didn't really discuss it with anyone until I'd made my decision. I did not find a replacement for Mom. I have kept that relationship close and guarded, there really is no "replacement". I have other relationships that have other constants, my father and stepmother, my husband and children, my siblings and relatives, but those relationships have their own nuances that are equal but seperate.<br />
<br />
Happpy Birthday and thank you Mom.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-57256925209357591102011-06-28T22:33:00.002-05:002016-06-21T22:29:08.560-05:00James and rulesJames makes up games. Gavin goes along, but the games always involve James winning. He is careful to keep Gavin hanging on by a thread as his games would not work w/ just one. Oh the lives of older and younger siblings...to be repeatedly for a lifetime.<br />
James: " and your guy flies down"<br />
Gavin: "yeah my guy has a the power to xyz"<br />
James : "no, no. Your guy can only abc"<br />
Gavin, crying" my guy never wins"<br />
James: "but he can def, almost"<br />
Gavin" okay"<br />
James"oh, you almost made it"<br />
Gavin usually almost makes it. Somehow he never does.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-69766531851888820592011-06-24T19:44:00.001-05:002011-06-24T19:45:23.044-05:00Gavin is 6We had a little swim party for Gavin. I had an extreme Mommy fail with trying to adjust to my new job(aka working every flipping day of my life) and did not book a weekend party. Since Gavin's main concern was friends and swimming, I pulled it together in true WT fashion and we booked the patio/pool at J. Pepe's on Greenville. This may seem highly innapropriate to some, but rest assured it was heaven to me and the birthday boy. I invited my nonjudgemental friends and Gavin's friends parents to share in the delighful evening of sitting by the pool, drinking Margarita's and watching my 6 year old enjoy his swim party...and no clean up!<br />
That night, on his very last night as a 5 year old, Gavin snuggled up on my shoulder and said "Do you like this snuggle or one of the others?"<br />
I asked, "What are my other choices of snuggles?"<br />
Gavin" The elbow snuggle, the tummy snuggle, or this is the arm snuggle"<br />
We tried all three and settled on the good old arm snuggle. I hope we can keep trying them all! Always the original:)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-89202910252439489252011-05-08T10:51:00.001-05:002011-05-08T13:21:54.718-05:00Happy Mothers DayI did not want to celebrate last year. I just could not find the strength to be happy on Mothers Day after losing Mom months before. This year I am celebrating, but missing her. It is 15 months since we lost her...far too early. <br />
I am spending the day with 2 of my sweet boys and my sweet husband. Missing the big ones:)<br />
Hope everyone has a lovely Mothers Day!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-3676779479097942812011-04-06T21:08:00.000-05:002015-04-21T21:28:13.572-05:00Brighter ColorsI have been reading my posts from last year.<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/04/3-months.html">http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/04/3-months.html</a><br />
How much life changes in a year.<br />
For me my Mothers death is a defining moment. It has been who I am for over a year..."My Mom just died" and in the grand scheme of things, she did "just die". <br />
It was such a shock to my whole inner self. She fought a 6 year battle with Ovarian Cancer. I thought she'd win again. She did not and I lost the person who has been constantly closest to me. It was a terrible illness, a terribly painful and humilating way to die, but in the end an amazing moment. Very sad, but beautiful and perfect.<br />
When you lose someone, you often hear how it will get better. I really did not enjoy these types of comments because I could not fathom it ever being better, but this year I cry less and smile more. Last year I cried every time Mom crossed my mind, sobbing deeply into this keyboard so many nights...my outlet became this blog because I could be free and talk to Mom.<br />
I've stopped dreaming of her dieing and begging her not to die. I have missed her often and cried briefly in many of those times, but I know I am ok. She told me I would be on that last day "because you have always been so in touch with your emotions". I felt every bit of the loss I could feel and mourned so deeply I thought my life would not go on, but I sobbed and hugged my babies(and even sometimes my very willing but often left out husband), talked to Mom here, and moved through rather than over the grief. <br />
It took about a year...interesting how we used to wear black for a year. I think we should all revisit that idea. You are just so raw for the first year. I am ready for bright colors again!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-49185811624070596112011-03-09T21:49:00.000-06:002015-04-22T19:07:23.462-05:00A long timeIt has been a long time since I sat in front of this screen. My Mom's birthday ws March 4, I had a dream I don't remember of her. In this dream it was peaceful and I did not cry. I woke up feeling ok, no tears or sobbing, just wishing I remembered the dream. I met a friend for coffee and cried a bit, but not the whole day. <br />
Losing your Mother is a pain like no other. I will not call it the worst pain because losing a child must be unbearably difficult and the most unfair thing, but losing your Mom is deep and gut wrenching. For most of us it is inevitable that we will outlive our parents, but sometimes it is just cut far too short.<br />
I went to a lovely funeral today for my brother in laws Mom. Tom(my brother in law) gave the sweetest speach. I watched the children of this Mother who passed too soon speak, and I was reminded of my sweet Mom. It is sad to see others starting this cycle of grief. All too familiar.<br />
My parents(sometimes I feel funny when I write parents now that Mom has gone, but my stepmom has been very much my parent since I was 9) came over for the funeral. We spent a bit of time together talking. <br />
We leave for Disney World on Friday morning. The boys have been counting down the days.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-35805691580648121202011-01-13T21:15:00.004-06:002016-06-21T22:40:47.330-05:00One year ago today, my Mother was dying<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html">http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html</a><br />
<br />
I have used this blog to mourn and speak to my Mother over the last year. It is the anniversary of her last hours. At this time last year we had come to terms with her impending death.<br />
<br />
I have decided to share the beauty of those last moments in this writing. <br />
<br />
There was peace in the room, she was totally at peace and present. She seemed happy and smiled often. We smiled back each time.<br />
She talked about when she had us. She said she didnt know anything when she had me and here I was this little baby. I wish I had recorded it because it was so sweet.<br />
She was not scared, which gives me a great sense of comfort. I have not worried about her once. I know she is surrounded by the loved ones she saw and spoke of that night. It has been my longing for her I have written about.<br />
<br />
There was so much love. My father and stepmother dropped everything to come and be there. For us, but also because they loved her. It was beautiful to see my Mother smile knowingly at my Father and him take her hand and smile back. It was the closure of an important circle, two young souls who found each other and opened their minds to a new world together. <br />
They welcomed my Mother always as part of the whole family.She loved both of them and was excited to have them come that night. They shared us and I have always remembered them together fondly from my childhood. <br />
<br />
We were there as her children and she was very present as our Mother. We got to be there as she took her last breaths and wish her well into the hereafter. If you can imagine a perfect death, I think this would be one.<br />
<br />
I have missed her terribly over this last year and at 2: 08 am on 1/14 it will be one whole year without her.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-8700219460254130702011-01-06T13:40:00.001-06:002015-04-21T21:27:30.189-05:00Last year today<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mother.html">http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mother.html</a><br />
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.<br />
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen. <br />
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-17142132456769959342010-12-15T22:59:00.003-06:002010-12-15T23:01:34.315-06:00Christmastime againHaving kids keeps you in the moment. For me Christmas is so busy and the last two have been consumed with my Mom's impending death, so I would like to buzz by and get to February. But, kids keep you present and focussed on the season.<br />
<br />
The boys had a Christmas Shop at their school. they were both very excited and we gave a couple dollars to spend.<br />
<br />
When I got home James was very excited. He ran to me with a gift in hand, a tiny ring with a purple stone. He exclaimed " I got this for you, Mommy." I of course ut it on.<br />
<br />
Daddy said " And look what I got" It was a pen that said "BEST GRANDPA"<br />
<br />
I laughed histerically, Jim did not. He's a party pooper!<br />
<br />
We went for a drive around our neighborhood the next night. The boys love Christmas lights.<br />
<br />
There is a neighbor a couple streets over who is always very festive. He had The nativity scene with the usual characters in the yard, but a Santa atood behind the manger. On the porch was a Mickey Mouse and other charachters.<br />
Gavin exclaimed " Look Mommy, it's God and Mickey Mouse". Somehow even with my beliefs of acceptance of others beliefs, this just didn't seem to make sense. But to Gav it was perfect:)<br />
<br />
And on this day last year:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2009/12/sad-news-today.html">http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2009/12/sad-news-today.html</a><br />
It was one of the saddest days in a Dr's office ever. I thought the day they went over my belly for 20 minutes looking trying to determine if my baby would be ok was to be, but this topped it by far:( My sweet Mom tried so hard to make it ok, but it ended up so wrong.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-7165765451565455942010-12-04T21:16:00.002-06:002015-04-22T19:07:34.860-05:00A new dreamSometimes I think I should rename this blog "Missing Mom" because for the last year it seems it all I write about, but then it is Mom who created this person who used to write about funny day to day things my children do and say and the worries, concerns, thoughts and joys that go along with being " a boys mom x 4". So I guess it fits even this year:)<br />
<br />
James turned 7 on 11/26. He has lost another tooth, making him a "gummy boy" as his Daddy called him today. He has 4 teeth missing and looks very cute.<br />
<br />
I had a new dream last night of Mom. We went for a walk down to the ocean. I remember wanting to say "I really wish you wouldn't die" but did not. We talked as we walked and I said "this is a long way." I can't remember what she said, but I remember thinking in the dream how hard it would be for her to walk back and then realizing she wouldn't need to walk back. Somehow walking to the ocean was all there was. I did not wake up crying and I did not cry in the dream. It seemed calmer. <br />
<br />
I miss her terribly. She was always at the boys birthday parties. She has now missed two.Last year she rode the train up for James party at Chuck E Cheese and she was so sick. Simon picked her up and brought her. She just sat there and Tom sat and talked to her. She was so appreciative of that and commented how kind he always is. She gave James his first money and he was so excited to get real money.<br />
<br />
This year Granny and Grandpa gave him money in his card. I was happy they did because Mom would have if she had been here.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-48047733916665782132010-11-19T22:33:00.000-06:002010-11-19T22:33:43.761-06:00Apparently Jammie combo's have become a new method of powerGavin came out with a Superman shirt and Spongebob pants.<br />
<br />
Gavin:<br />
I have Spongebob and Superman so they can't be killed<br />
James:<br />
But Gavin this is real life so they can.<br />
Gavin:<br />
No, Spongebob is a sponge<br />
Gavin:<br />
How bout you can't be killed, James.<br />
James:<br />
Nah.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-4033872154896528042010-11-19T08:46:00.000-06:002010-11-19T08:46:12.932-06:00Mommy, do you think we should practice the spelling test?Last night I met a couple girlfriends for a couple hours~skinny margarita's and conversation. I got home just before 10 pm. James was laying quietly in bed, but when I walked into the room he popped his head up. He had been waiting patiently.<br />
James: Mommy do you think we sould practice the spelling test?<br />
I had forgotten to do it before I left. We barely squeezed in homework after soccer practice, dinner and bathtime. Daddy had started a movie with the boys while they finished dinner, and I completely forgot about the test:(<br />
Me: Oh yes, James. Jump up and we'll do it quickly.<br />
James jumped up and true to form aced his practice test with Mommy. He loves tests!<br />
He had me grade it:) E~for Excellent in every way sweet boy!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28765664.post-77995617488353540772010-11-12T21:46:00.004-06:002015-04-22T19:13:54.904-05:00DreamsGavin said she would come to me in my <a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/two-weeks.html">DREAMS</a>.<br />
<br />
In the last weeks I have had some amazing dreams. I've not been into analysis(my Mom was always into that), but I feel sure these are meaningful, maybe even connections. If this goes against your belief system and you are reading, know that I respect that. It may not even be part of mine...who knows. It is comforting to believe my Mother is connecting, so I'll go with that for now. <br />
<br />
I had this dream right after she died:<br />
<a href="http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/02/last-night.html">First dream of Mom</a><br />
<br />
<br />
I have dreamed of her several times but I have had very little memory. The recurrent theme is at the end of the dream I say over and over "Please don't die, Mom" and wake up crying. There are three recent vivid dreams. These started at the anniversary of her last diagnosis last year.<br />
<br />
Dream 1. I am dreaming of dreaming and saying please don't die and crying. I wake up from the "dream" crying and then wake up.<br />
<br />
Dream 2. The phone is ringing and I pick it up. I say "Hello". Mom says " Amy", the operator comes on and starts telling me what I have to do to accept the call. I try but am unable to get it done and I wake up.<br />
<br />
Dream 3. We are together for a long time in this dream at a lovely tree filled facility of some sort. There are tennis courts and a large group of us. We took a walk together as a group and then paired into teams, I was left out of the tennis teams because there were 5 of us.<br />
I went and sat down with Mom who was talking to Martha about their lives and times together. There were alot of my Mothers pictures and two women were looking through them, I felt like I needed to explain something to them. They seemed somewhat judgemental.<br />
We went for another walk, they went into a room and I followed. There was a large bath. Simon was running the water and standing in it. I asked Mom "Do you want to take another bath"? She said "Yes"<br />
I think we were all in the water at this point.<br />
Mom and I went back outside, I touched her face and said "I don't want you to die"<br />
Mom said "Do you want me to live a life immortal? I'm going to die tonight alert and active and you're going to help me."<br />
I say over and over "I don't want you to die, Mom". I wake up crying. <br />
It was about 4 am, but I've lost too many dreams so I got up and wrote it down with a sharpie in the dark.<br />
Gavin saw it yesterday and asked why I wrote on his pumpkin.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17323138731802001380noreply@blogger.com1