Missed Calls

On August first, I couldn't find my phone. I started looking for it at about 9:30. I "needed" to find it. It was my day off and the boys and I were home. Jim was still home as well.
About 30 minutes later I found my phone and noticed I had missed a call from Michael. I checked my voice mail and heard a strangers voice with loud sirens and screeching in the background. He said in a nervous but clear voice. "I am calling for Michael. He's been in an accident(he drives a scooter) and is being loaded into the ambulance."
I went numb. I tried to call his phone back but it went to voice mail.
I began frantically searching for clothing while holding my phone and repeating "Oh my God, Oh my God". I couldn't find anything to put on.
I still have no idea what I wore. I told the boys to put on shoes and Jim said something about going to the hospital and calling me, to which I replied simply, "I am going".
The boys and I drove. they asked if Michael was alright. I couldn't answer. I remember saying quietly "I don't know, but we'll be ok". It was as much for myself as them. I called Andrew and left a message. I called my sister and parents.
I knew he had been taking his girlfriend to work and going to work himself. I was worried about both of them and it seems cruel to make someone find a parking space in this state, I told the boys.

We made it to the ER and were taken to Michael. He was wearing just boxers and covered in blood. I walked into the room and around to the left side and noticed the giant hole in his arm. He was shaking from the pain, so I tried to hug him and he cried out. His body was raw from road rash but miracle of all miracles, his face and head were safe! I touched his hair the way I did when he was a baby.

He had to have surgery to repair missing bone and his wound on his arm. He was in the hospital for 3 days.It was a moment in time I never want to repeat but I am so thankful to have had that moment in time with him! Another reminder that every moment is so precious!

He is working to recover and we are now battling the other drivers insurance.

They really don't fit

James  is **gasp** almost 10. In my mind he is still so tiny. It's hard to imagine that he is halfway to adulthood. the reality set in this morning.
James has insisted he has not shorts most of the summer and I have insisted he just wasn't looking hard enough. This morning I was encouraging him to speed up his dressing so brought him an outfit. We needed to leave for science camp and he was taking far too much of his own sweet time.
He walked in, shorts halfway over his hips and said "they don't fit". His size 8 shorts, that look sooo big, really were stuck at his hips. They really don't fit! This of course means he's not a tiny boy:(

Customize your own collage

How much I've learned...

In the years since I started this blog so much has changed. My babies have become boys, my boys have become young men and the one who started it all, my Mom, left me here(well, not really but it felt that way for a bit).

My babies are teaching me to stop. I don't often take moments to decompress and just be. When Gavin was an infant I couldn't even sit still long enough for him to nurse. He would often nurse, legs dangling and me doing something or chasing someone:). I joke now that he learned to eat on the go, but really I feel a sense of sadness for him that I started his life off with my sense of urgency to "do it now". I have been trying very hard to really listen to my sweet 7 and 9 now year old's, they will be gone before I know it! Can you believe James was a baby when I started this blog? Babies for but a moment in time.

My boys are teaching me that boys really do become men, far sooner than we imagine. When they are men you cannot protect them from mistakes like you could as babies and boys.  It is so much easier to be a mother to tiny tots than to boys and boys becoming men. You have to trust that the background noise playing in their heads (you know, all those things you said you "would never say again" or...)will help them make good and safe decisions, and just love them along the way! And now I wish I could say all those things for years more.

My Mom's death taught me more than I can even explain to myself. I thought I would break into tears at the thought of her for the rest of my life, I thought I would never be me again, I thought I would feel alone and empty like I did that first year, forever. I didn't and don't. I miss her so much but it doesn't feel like an open wound anymore, I feel whole and secure and happy she was who she was. I accept that she was a flawed but amazing woman and I accept that I can be flawed and amazing, too! More than anything, I know that those last days I told her what I needed and she heard us when we told her goodbye.

Sometimes...

Somtimes a moment touches you and the wishes come flooding back. I was laying in bed this morning thinking of Mom. It's only when I let the wishes and wants saturate my mind that I cry now. I think of her often and mostly it is for a moment and then I move on. It feels good to think of her and not miss her so much it hurts, but today the wishes overtook. It hurts.
I wish she was still here to see the boys, my garden, my home repainted and porch restained. I wish she was here to see my closet. She loved shopping and I have done quite a bit lately at ESCADA. She would have loved it. I would have loved it with her.
What brings on the wishes and wants...hard to tell. Mostly I think of her and smile, just wistfull of the fun and time we had together. Sometimes I miss her for selfish reasons, all the help she offered with my boys, the long talks when I needed her.
Today I thought of her and those last hours. I wished I would have brought her home and let her be here for her last moments. I think of her trying to get out of bed the hour before she died. She wanted to get out of that room. I wish I would have made that happen!

I thought of my brother, Forest Fagan, sitting beside her playing this song. So beautiful!

Understanding the absurdities

I am loving this summer. We just finished another fun family(sadly missing Andrew)trip to Mustang Island. My Aunt Gail and cousin Hypatia joined us for 5 days of sun, sand, dolphins, turtles, crabs, and a couple man of wars thrown in to stir things up. The boys swam for hours int he pool, played in the sand and even did a little skim boarding.
I also love that James is at the age of understanding absurdities in life and that he see's(and often makes me see) the humor as well. Case in point, Gavin often wants as little food as possible to get him to desert. I am not sure how this started, but nearly every meal begins with him asking "how many bites do I have to eat?" and me saying, "Just eat as much as your tummy can hold" or "Eat until you feel full".
Gavin: Can I have a dmstick?
Mommy: No, we need to eat dinner.(but honestly today was one of those days I thought about just letting him eat the ice cream)
Gavin: What can I have?
Mommy: I don't know what we are having. What about this piece of pizza(pulling out a small leftover piece of pizza)?
Gavin: Okay
He ets the pizza and get a drumstick. James walks in.
Gavin to James: I already had dinner
James(confused): What did you have?
Gavin: A piece of pizza
James(half smiling with his "what is wrong with this crazy house" look): What the heck?(shrugging) I had 3/4 of a pizza.
Mommy: Well then I guess you won't be hungry.
James: I'm not a bit hungry.
Mommy: Well you know Gavins goal is to eat as little real food as possible. You can have a desert, too.

It made me giggle!

This year

2011 flew by...feels like I hardly caught my breath it was so quick. The boys are doing great in school, we hired a new Nanny who is FABULOUS, Andrew and Mickel are both in Austin and Andrew started school(still fingers crossed for Mikel to go back) and I changed jobs. 

In 2 days it will be 2 years since Mom died. It is still so hard to believe and I miss her every day. Every day has gotten brighter and I can officially say 2011 I came out of mourning! We are going to DeLeon this weekend to see my parents and have a special moment for her!

This year we are doing alot of home projects. It is like a tiny bit of torture each time, but the end result is good:)