How time flies

Four years ago I was just starting what would be a very long and painful journey. We lost you four years ago today, Mom.How has it already been so long?

http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html

I sat and really thought about those last moments on the way home last night. I mostly think of you and smile these days but I miss you and the time we could still be having if cancer hadn't stolen you away. I miss how much you would have loved the boys shenanigans. Gavin is a daily joy and gives us cause to giggle so often. It would have been so fun for you.

James is still the kindest hearted boy and just as you said "classic". Michael and Andrew had so much time with you and I often think of them with you at the ages Gavin and James are. They have the best memories!

We've moved forward but not a day goes by that I do not feel you. I know you were ok the minute you closed your eyes that early morning. I am ok now, but wish you were still here. We loved you into the next life just as you loved us into this one!

How much I've learned...

In the years since I started this blog so much has changed. My babies have become boys, my boys have become young men and the one who started it all, my Mom, left me here(well, not really but it felt that way for a bit).

My babies are teaching me to stop. I don't often take moments to decompress and just be. When Gavin was an infant I couldn't even sit still long enough for him to nurse. He would often nurse, legs dangling and me doing something or chasing someone:). I joke now that he learned to eat on the go, but really I feel a sense of sadness for him that I started his life off with my sense of urgency to "do it now". I have been trying very hard to really listen to my sweet 7 and 9 now year old's, they will be gone before I know it! Can you believe James was a baby when I started this blog? Babies for but a moment in time.

My boys are teaching me that boys really do become men, far sooner than we imagine. When they are men you cannot protect them from mistakes like you could as babies and boys.  It is so much easier to be a mother to tiny tots than to boys and boys becoming men. You have to trust that the background noise playing in their heads (you know, all those things you said you "would never say again" or...)will help them make good and safe decisions, and just love them along the way! And now I wish I could say all those things for years more.

My Mom's death taught me more than I can even explain to myself. I thought I would break into tears at the thought of her for the rest of my life, I thought I would never be me again, I thought I would feel alone and empty like I did that first year, forever. I didn't and don't. I miss her so much but it doesn't feel like an open wound anymore, I feel whole and secure and happy she was who she was. I accept that she was a flawed but amazing woman and I accept that I can be flawed and amazing, too! More than anything, I know that those last days I told her what I needed and she heard us when we told her goodbye.

Sometimes...

Somtimes a moment touches you and the wishes come flooding back. I was laying in bed this morning thinking of Mom. It's only when I let the wishes and wants saturate my mind that I cry now. I think of her often and mostly it is for a moment and then I move on. It feels good to think of her and not miss her so much it hurts, but today the wishes overtook. It hurts.
I wish she was still here to see the boys, my garden, my home repainted and porch restained. I wish she was here to see my closet. She loved shopping and I have done quite a bit lately at ESCADA. She would have loved it. I would have loved it with her.
What brings on the wishes and wants...hard to tell. Mostly I think of her and smile, just wistfull of the fun and time we had together. Sometimes I miss her for selfish reasons, all the help she offered with my boys, the long talks when I needed her.
Today I thought of her and those last hours. I wished I would have brought her home and let her be here for her last moments. I think of her trying to get out of bed the hour before she died. She wanted to get out of that room. I wish I would have made that happen!

I thought of my brother, Forest Fagan, sitting beside her playing this song. So beautiful!

Brighter Colors

I have been reading my posts from last year.http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/04/3-months.html
How much life changes in a year.
For me my Mothers death is a defining moment. It has been who I am for over a year..."My Mom just died" and in the grand scheme of things, she did "just die".
It was such a shock to my whole inner self. She fought a 6 year battle with Ovarian Cancer. I thought she'd win again. She did not and I lost the person who has been constantly closest to me. It was a terrible illness, a terribly painful and humilating way to die, but in the end an amazing moment. Very sad, but beautiful and perfect.
When you lose someone, you often hear how it will get better. I really did not enjoy these types of comments because I could not fathom it ever being better, but this year I cry less and smile more. Last year I cried every time Mom crossed my mind, sobbing deeply into this keyboard so many nights...my outlet became this blog because I could be free and talk to Mom.
I've stopped dreaming of her dieing and begging her not to die. I have missed her often and cried briefly in many of those times, but I know I am ok. She told me I would be on that last day "because you have always been so in touch with your emotions". I felt every bit of the loss I could feel and mourned so deeply I thought my life would not go on, but I sobbed and hugged my babies(and even sometimes my very willing but often left out husband), talked to Mom here, and moved through rather than over the grief.
It took about a year...interesting how we used to wear black for a year. I think we should all revisit that idea. You are just so raw for the first year. I am ready for bright colors again!

One year ago today, my Mother was dying

http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html

I have used this blog to mourn and speak to my Mother over the last year. It is the anniversary of her last hours. At this time last year we had come to terms with her impending death.

I have decided to share the beauty of those last moments in this writing.

There was peace in the room, she was totally at peace and present. She seemed happy and smiled often. We smiled back each time.
She talked about when she had us. She said she didnt know anything when she had me and here I was this little baby. I wish I had recorded it because it was so sweet.
She was not scared, which gives me a great sense of comfort. I have not worried about her once. I know she is surrounded by the loved ones she saw and spoke of that night. It has been my longing for her I have written about.

There was so much love. My father and stepmother dropped everything to come and be there. For us, but also because they loved her. It was beautiful to see my Mother smile knowingly at my Father and him take her hand and smile back. It was the closure of an important circle, two young souls who found each other and opened their minds to a new world together.
They welcomed my Mother always as part of the whole family.She loved both of them and was excited to have them come that night. They shared us and I have always remembered them together fondly from my childhood.

We were there as her children and she was very present as our Mother. We got to be there as she took her last breaths and wish her well into the hereafter. If you can imagine a perfect death, I think this would be one.

I have missed her terribly over this last year and at 2: 08 am on 1/14 it will be one whole year without her.

Last year today

http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mother.html
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen.
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!

Two weeks tonight

At 2:08 am it will be two whole weeks.
There were so many moments I thought that death might be easier on you and on us in a way. I take that back now! Selfishly I wish you were still lying in a bed with your phone on your chest and I could call you. You would answer no matter what time and I could talk to you about sadness, frutrations, stories about the boys, worries about life, etc. I called you at least 4 times a week in the last years and every day as your illness took you to the end. Sometimes with not much to say, but "I'm sorry you're feeling so sick". Your voice was there and in times of crisis you became you again, even if for just a minute. I saved that message you left the day after my accident. It is nice to hear your voice. You were so sick...but here.
I know, through others voices, that I will be okay. I hear that I will not feel so empty forever. I am sad about that in a way because I want you to be with me and the constant memories(though painful) keep you closer.
I miss you, Mom.
My brother sang his song to her as she passed and at her funeral.
Forest Fagan~Blue Hillside

My Mothers Passing

In Sept of 2009 my Mothers CT scan showed that she was cancer free. She was elated and had gone back to her life of seeing clients, gardening and studying. She had moved back to Austin in the Spring, but came up for our children's birthdays and special events as she always had.
She had some Hernia's bothering her and related the stomach pain she started to feel(on 10/14) to them, she decided to have the hernia's repaired. She came up to Dallas for her surgery on Oct. 29th.
I dropped James off and headed to the hospital the morning of the the 29th. When I got there Dr. Tate was out and explaining that he had seen "visible signs of disease" and that to operate would not be wise. He stitched her up and sent her to the recovery area. I knew she would be devastated as it had only been one month since she was declared "cancer free".
Mom started Chemo and went back to Austin. Forest and Rayne were at her home to help her. She was weak and shaken but so ready for the fight. When she came back on November 22 she looked so sick. She was throwing up daily and feeling just as she had a year before. She came to James' birthday party and then went to Simons home.
Simon drove her to appt's and I met them there. She stayed with me the week of Dec. 14th-20th and her sister Gail was here. We went to see her Dr on the 15th and we were informed the Chemo was no longer working, hospice was offered. Gail and I were with her.
Mom was not ready to give up and chose to try a clinical trial at Mary Crowley, she felt elated when we went on Dec. 21st but we had concerns as they said it was not for efficacy but to determine symptoms. She started the treatment. Simon drove her down and I would come for lunch or meet them there to see Mom. Her brother James came to visit.
On Dec. 31 she came to my home for a week. I helped her take a real bath. She was very weak and had to go to bed after the bath from exhaustion.We had a family dinner on New Years Day, I made Ham and Black eyed peas. She claimed it was the best meal she'd ever had. We had planned to watch a movie and she had been really excited, but was just not feeling well enough to watch the movie. On Monday, she was determined to go to her support group at Baylor. She was so weak, she fell in the driveway. Even after the fall we went to the support group  and she talked positively about continuing her fight.
On 1/5 I took her back to Simon's. Later that night she was feeling really weak, running a fever and noticed a spot on her abdomen that was red. Simon and Missy drover her to the hospital. She was admitted that night and I visited her the next day. She was diagnosed with a perforated bowel and they tested her for sepsis(which was later confirmed). They put her on two strong antibiotics and Dilauded for the breakthrough pain(we decided this was the pain med to be on as she was chipper and morphine made her cranky).
When I walked in the door on Thursday morning, she was smiling and said "It's so good to see your face", she seemed so cheery I was a little concerned she was not in reality. When I went the next day she was still very happy and feeling well enough to get up and use the portable potty next to her. We talked about how she felt and she asked "does it seem like I'm in la-la land" to which I replied "well, kind of". She assured me she was not and that when she found out about the cancer she went through every worst case and had feelings about it so now she felt like she had already faced her fears for the possibility of death. She said she was not afraid to die. Her drainage tube for the infected area on her abdomen was operating as an ostomy but the Dr.'s seemed confused about it. She told me she had fallen backwards onto the bed. On Friday she fell onto the floor and laid there for several hours. She had bruises on her head and lower back and they did an Xray and CT scan. She was very shaken by the fall and this would become her focus.
Saturday and Sunday were good days. There were no major or life threatening events.She seemed very swollen but she believed it was from too much IV fluid(we now know her body was shutting down).
Monday evening I did not go to the hospital. I went to dinner with my kids and then home and fell asleep, I regret this now! On Tuesday morning my Aunt Veenie called me at 7am. She had called Mom and been told that there was a respiratory distress incident and the team was called. Mom was put on 100% Oxygen and her saturation levels were still below 80. She remained on 100% oxygen until she died. I called Mom and told her I'd be over soon. I called Simon and told him and he said he would go to the Hospital. I went to work until my pt'er arrived and then headed to the hospital. I should have gone straight to her.
Mom was upbeat and answering her phone. She ate a few bites and drank water. Her lips were chapped so I gave her my mint lip balm and the mint smell was pushed through the tubes into the room. We talked about how she was feeling and her plans, she wanted to go to Simons and get back on the study. The Dr's and nurses were very concerned about her oxygenation level, but surprised that Mom remained alert and upbeat. They could hear and see fluid in her lungs so the Dr. increased the lasix and potassium. Mom's arm was very swollen from the potassium and her veins were really hard to find. Simon and I went home around 9 and planned to see her the next day.
At 10:43 pm my phone rang. The person on the phone identified herself as the charge nurse, Christie. "Your mother is not doing well and we aren't sure how things will go in the next couple hours". I said "are you saying she might die". This was a reality that talking about cannot prepare a person for! She told me it was not looking good and that I should call my brothers. I called Simon and Forest and threw on clothes. I sobbed on the way to the hospital and ran to her room. When I went in she was not responding to the nurses but breathing. I shook her saying "Mom, Mom!!!" and rubbing her head. She opened her eyes, looked into mine and said "What's wrong, honey?". She looked so worried, she was every second my Mom until she died! I told her she wasn't breathing well. I was crying and she said "well, let's get me up, get me going". She was not leaving me that night. She told me, as if to make me less worried "those two are the most drama filled nurses here" and rolled her eyes. I think she was angry that they made us so scared. Simon arrived and she was still upset at the team. The resident told us we needed to really talk to the Dr about our plans. We were waiting to see the Dr.
The Dr's said they thought she had taken too much pain medication and with her already weak lungs it had caused her breathing to slow.I called Forest and told him she was better (we thought she was). We talked for a long time that night and she made the decision to take the IV's off. I was going to go home and sleep and Simon was going to stay but she told us she needed both of us, "you're my team" so Simon and I slept on the little fold out love seat together. She told us not to let anyone in(poor Christie got a talking to for coming in). I think we slept a total of less than 2 hours that night. She would say "let's take a nap" and then wake 1 hour later saying it was a great nap and be ready to talk. I said "let's take another one" but we never really did.
On Wednesday I took James to school at 7:30 and then took a quick shower and headed back. Simon never left. We talked to Mom all day.She talked to clients and Friends. Her Sister, Sister in law, and niece headed down. We told Forest to make plans to head up. Missy arrived about 12 and Mom napped while we ate lunch.She seemed to have a few episodes of almost convulsions, but the nurses said nothing. She took antibiotics,lasix and 1/2 her potassium pill by mouth. At one point I was siting by her bed and felt so sad. I started to cry and leaned down on the bed. I moved my face to her arm and then to her neck, I was sobbing. She rubbed my hair and told me it would be okay. She asked if I was taking care of myself, was I eating. She told me "you have to take care of yourself".She told me she was proud of me and that I would never be "just an ordinary girl".
The palliative care team came down and I asked for more information so the nurse brought Dr. Houck. She was our saving grace because she told us that Mom might not make the night and we were able to get people on the way. I would reach out to Dr. Houck again at 7 that night in desperation.
We had walked down to the family room so Mom could take a call. She asked us for silence. We were gone about 20 minutes. When we walked back into the room Mom's O2 mask was off and she was barely breathing. We called the nurses and started talking to her. We were worried that she would die before Forest arrived. We kept saying, "you can't sleep now, Forest is coming, we have things to talk about" We called Forest and he had just started on the way. We called my father who had planned to come over the next day and told him this might be his only chance to see her. She was happy that so many people were coming to see her, Simon told her "it's a party for you, Mom!" Her phone rang and she brightened up, it was her client.
After she spoke to that client we told her she may need to take a break form talking to clients. She said "yes. I probably should". A few minutes later she said "tiger woods, he made a mistake" Simon said "yes he did" Mom said " I was counseling him but had to suspend him for two weeks". We laughed, but she was serious.
Dr. Houck arrived and I asked if we could buy some time. She told us there was nothing to do to prolong her life. She was not having a reaction to anything they could correct and with her Oxygen levels, she was worried it might be only hours.
We kept talking to her and at one point she sat up and started reciting a poem called "Jenny kissed me". I thought it was a dream state but she said, "you will read that at my funeral" and started planning exactly how she wanted her funeral. She asked for paper and wrote the poem and then the order of the service. She put the paper down and said, "it's a work of art". We each had a part and she wanted no deviation.
Simon was standing beside her and started to cry. She was happy to see him expressing his emotions and told him he needed to cry and feel emotions.She held his hand.
She talked on the phone to Martha and then Jim. I called Gail and put Mom on the phone. It was hard to hear everything with her oxygen mask.
Mostly she smiled. She would look at us and smile and we each smiled back. At one point she looked at me and said "Do you think I'm going to die tonight?" I said "I don't know, Mom. Whenever you're ready".
Whenever she seemed to be drifting off I would say "Forest is coming" at one point she responded "You keep saying that, where is he?" and we all laughed. He was close.
Dad and Susie arrived. We were all with her talking. She was tired but we didn't want her to fall asleep.
Forest arrived and laid his head on her shoulder, he was crying. He said "How will I talk to you" and she responded "here" and pointed to his chest. She rubbed his hair. He brought her the red clover tea she asked for and she sipped a bit with her ice.
He sat down and started playing. Dad and Mom threw coins for an I-ching reading. She talked more about the funeral and then we left Forest to be with her alone.
When we went back in she was getting uncomfortable and asked for pain medication. They gave her a shot and then she asked to lay down. She wanted to rest.
We were going to leave her for a bit but Missy and I were still in the room and she started rolling from side to side. She almost fell out of the bed and Missy went to get Simon. I asked what she was doing and she said "just moving around" but I told her she was about to fall. Simon came in and her breathing started getting very shallow and gasping. We asked for Forest to come and I asked for Ativan to ease any anxiety. Dr. Houck had told me that sometimes O2 deprivation makes people just drift off in sleep but sometimes they become agitated, I did not want her to be scared. Forest and Dad came in. She was dying so I asked that it just be the three of us. We started saying "We love you Mom" over and over and touching her. We repeated how much we loved her as her breathing became more difficult. We sat the bed up and Forest tried to sit her up but it was too late. She looked surprised. The nurse came in and asked if we still wanted the shot. I said yes. I was so desperate that she not be scared. The nurse gave it, but Mom took her last breath seconds later. My body went numb at 2:08am. A part of it has been missing since.
We sobbed and held her.I asked for it to be just us again.
Forest sat down and started to play. We all cried as he played our Mother into the next life. Michael arrived and sobbed. He left work early but there was traffic so he missed seeing her.
We let everyone come into the room about an hour after her passing. The nurses and Dr's had tears in their eyes when they came in.