This morning was 3 months since my Mom died(I have reread her passing http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html over and over beacuase it seems unreal) . I found some pictures on my phone from just months ago when my Mom was still viibrant and we thought all was well in the world. They were from just months before we learned that the cancer had returned with a vengeance.
It is so strange how quickly things can turn. I have been in a pretty good emotional state lately, back to me in most cases. Today I was thinking about the fact that I was feeling so good and then my thoughts turned to 3 months, todays anniversary. I started thinking about the days leading up to my Mom's death. She was so "here". Talking and joking with us until just minutes before she died. There was no slow dwindling into death, she just did it. "Not one to linger" comes to mind. She told me once, that she would not be one to linger when the time came. Mom, you were right! Minutes before she died, she talked to us and was "her".
Mom,I miss you so much. I still pick up my phone to call you and think of all the things I need to tell you. On our trip to Colorado the emptiness was so apparent because I would have called you so many times. I cried for you. Who will be "mom" now that you are gone? Noone can every fill this particular void, but the void gets less unbearable as time goes on.
When we went to your home a couple weeks ago, your garden was in bloom. The yard looked lovely as we drove up and I just expected you to be standing in your shorts, watering your plants. Of course you weren't there, but I talked to you. I wished I could dig up every plant and tree. It seems a shame you will never be there again. Some of your plants are new. You expected to be there this Spring.
Remember how you and I talked of my fantasy that you would come live in my home as a ghost. Oddly now, I never feel that strange nervousness in my house. I was in the boys room the other night thinking, maybe you are here? I want you to be, but don't really "feel" you.
I really am ok. I just miss you!