Thursday, January 13, 2011

One year ago today, my Mother was dying

I have used this blog to mourn and speak to my Mother over the last year. It is the anniversary of her last hours. At this time last year we had come to terms with her impending death.

I have decided to share the beauty of those last moments in this writing.

There was peace in the room, she was totally at peace and present. She seemed happy and smiled often. We smiled back each time.
She talked about when she had us. She said she didnt know anything when she had me and here I was this little baby. I wish I had recorded it because it was so sweet.
She was not scared, which gives me a great sense of comfort. I have not worried about her once. I know she is surrounded by the loved ones she saw and spoke of that night. It has been my longing for her I have written about.

There was so much love. My father and stepmother dropped everything to come and be there. For us, but also because they loved her. It was beautiful to see my Mother smile knowingly at my Father and him take her hand and smile back. It was the closure of an important circle, two young souls who found each other and opened their minds to a new world together.
They welcomed my Mother always as part of the whole family.She loved both of them and was excited to have them come that night. They shared us and I have always remembered them together fondly from my childhood.

We were there as her children and she was very present as our Mother. We got to be there as she took her last breaths and wish her well into the hereafter. If you can imagine a perfect death, I think this would be one.

I have missed her terribly over this last year and at 2: 08 am on 1/14 it will be one whole year without her.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Last year today
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen.
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!