Friday, June 21, 2013

How much I've learned...

In the years since I started this blog so much has changed. My babies have become boys, my boys have become young men and the one who started it all, my Mom, left me here(well, not really but it felt that way for a bit).

My babies are teaching me to stop. I don't often take moments to decompress and just be. When Gavin was an infant I couldn't even sit still long enough for him to nurse. He would often nurse, legs dangling and me doing something or chasing someone:). I joke now that he learned to eat on the go, but really I feel a sense of sadness for him that I started his life off with my sense of urgency to "do it now". I have been trying very hard to really listen to my sweet 7 and 9 now year old's, they will be gone before I know it! Can you believe James was a baby when I started this blog? Babies for but a moment in time.

My boys are teaching me that boys really do become men, far sooner than we imagine. When they are men you cannot protect them from mistakes like you could as babies and boys.  It is so much easier to be a mother to tiny tots than to boys and boys becoming men. You have to trust that the background noise playing in their heads (you know, all those things you said you "would never say again" or...)will help them make good and safe decisions, and just love them along the way! And now I wish I could say all those things for years more.

My Mom's death taught me more than I can even explain to myself. I thought I would break into tears at the thought of her for the rest of my life, I thought I would never be me again, I thought I would feel alone and empty like I did that first year, forever. I didn't and don't. I miss her so much but it doesn't feel like an open wound anymore, I feel whole and secure and happy she was who she was. I accept that she was a flawed but amazing woman and I accept that I can be flawed and amazing, too! More than anything, I know that those last days I told her what I needed and she heard us when we told her goodbye.