Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Imagine...one of my Mom's favorite songs.

John Lennon's Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

Sunday, March 14, 2010

2 months...

This morning was 2 months. I find myself surprised to say that, not because it seems like time has flown but because I still am surprised to think of my Mother as gone.

I woke up to a beautiful day. I worked but it was fine. I felt really good today. The sun was out and it looks like Spring.

In the Fall of 2009, we decided to try to have an enjoyable day and chose to look at a home magazine one day. She had been in the hospital for almost a month and though still really ill, was bored. I talked about colors for my kitchen as we had just painted the hallway. We both thought blue would be lovely.

We had started remodeling our kitchen before Mom got sick again this year. In fact when she was here in October and had just found that the cancer was back, she made a point to come by and see the just started project when she was released from the hospital but headed back to Austin. She was excited.

It has been several months since I have done anything to my kitchen. I wanted Mom to see it finished and it just hasn't been time to start again.

We started shopping a couple weeks ago for the backsplash. I had planned to do it myself, but then thought maybe I would hire someone instead. Today just felt like a day to get it done!

We went with small slate tile sheets that have some metallic tones and greys/browns. I really like it with the black granite,blue paint and wood cabinets.I have not grouted yet but the tiles are up behind the sink wall and 1/2 way done over the stove. We are buying a stainless steel hood to go over the stove so have to mount it first. (Notice Mom's bread box repainted by Missy!)

Mother would have loved it!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010


I have still been thinking alot about Mom. It is nearing two months since she died. The uncontrollable crying comes less frequently, but I cannot stop from wishing I could call her. I pick of the phone and think of her so often, and a brief moment of disbelief still creeps in.
I dreamed she was with me at a La Leche League meeting. It was such a fitting dream:)There wasn't any crying in this dream, just being.
Gavin and I had a sweet conversation which leads me to believe he truly thinks about the loss of his Noni. We were driving to the store, James was at school. There was an ambulance coming with it's sirens on.
Gavin:" The ambulance goes to help people when they are sick like Noni"
Me: "yes, but they couldn't help Noni could they?"
Gavin: "No. I hope Granny and Granpa don't die because...(he had something they were both the best at but I can't remember:( exactly what he went on about).
It hink he has been more thoughtful about it than anyone else in my home...very sweet from my busy 4 year old.

Sunday, March 07, 2010


I think it might be time for me to stop being so free with the "comfort foods". I seem to be adding some very unwanted lbs to some very noticeable places. People have commented that I look thin...maybe after crying my face is dehydrated and looks thinner for a moment, but I assure you I am not "losing too much weight". Quite the contrary...I have been very freely eating chocolate, cupcakes, etc and it is quite visible to my naked eye...especially when I am less than fully clothed:(
Cupcakes are not my friend!

Friday, March 05, 2010

I wish

Yesterday was a beautiful day for a Memorial in Austin. It was a also a lovely day to celebrate your birthday, Mom. I wish so many things, but most of all I wish you would have been with us.
I wish we could talk on the phone and I could say barely anything, but you would answer or laugh because you know all of it. I don't have to tell the backstory to you...you are my backstory.
I wish I could see you standing watering the plants we cut from yesterday. We shared your rose bush in hopes it will sprout and bring joy to all your friends and loved ones who came to wish you well in the eternal life.
I wish we had done something that last year, something really great and fun! I wanted to go back to England with you, but it seemed you were going to make it through the cancer forever. I am so glad you didn't die last year, but now feel a loss that I didn't capture that time in a better way.
I wish that you could see my babies grow up. I don't know what I will do at Gavin's or James next party without you there to make the goody bags or the sandwiches. I was always down to the wire and you pulled me through.
You were always there. Always for me.