Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Life passes quickly

Mother~On this day 11 years ago you drove up to walk my sweet baby out after a night of prodromal labor. You arrived early on the morning of 6/21 and we walked together. Later that afternoon you drove home only to be called back My water broke with Gavin on 6/21 but no contractions, He wouldn't met my arms until  6/22.
That sweet baby is turning 11 tomorrow and it has been 6 1/2 years since you and I last touched (So long ago}. As I drove the boys to DeLeon, I thought of you and missed you so much I teared up. That doesn't happen often anymore, most thoughts are sweet and wistful but not heartbreaking.Gavin looked at me with that same sweet face he had those days into weeks into months those years ago when I missed you hard and deep and burst into tears daily. I told him he had been so sweet after you passed on and he said "She's in a better place, Mom", True`but so far away and far too long.
I miss you, Mom.  Life passed so quickly fro you.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I don't say it much, but I am thankful!

James was born with a birth defect. He was born with a Lymphatic Malformation; a condition that affects 1 in 4000 live births. Lymphatic malformations are rare non-malignant masses consisting of fluid-filled channels or spaces thought to be caused by the abnormal development of the lymphatic system. Often described as a sponge-like collection of abnormal growths that contain clear fluid. Macrocystic malformations are large, soft, smooth clear masses under normal or bluish skin. Microcystic malformations present as small, raised lesions containing clear fluid. Superficial (visible) lesions may present as tiny clear bubbles that sometimes become dark red due to bleeding. There is no known cause for this condition and it is not genetic. We found out our child had this condition at our 28 week ultrasound. 
James was a lucky one as he has had amazing treatment and outcome from that treatment. Many children born with LM live with tracheotomy, feeding tubes, and ongoing treatments.
I am part of a FB group Lymphatic Malformation Awareness Group and am reminded every day how lucky we are. James is thriving and happy. There was a time each day was filled with questions of survival, treatment plans, and fear. I am very thankful for the health of my family! 
Here are some previous posts on this journey:
Blog posts on LM

Monday, March 17, 2014

Mothering is a tough journey

An open letter to the Mom's in all of us:
The other day I commented on an article you'd been reading. The article gave you comfort in your parenting struggles and I commented on the facts of the article. I am sorry! 
I am sorry for hurt you feel to the Mom's who wanted to breasted but found challenges they could not overcome in any way for any reason. I am sorry for the judgement you feel to those who chose not to breastfeed for whatever reasons best for your family. I am sorry for confusion and sadness to those who got misinformation along the way in your breastfeeding journey. I am sorry for the negativity to those who chose tandem nursed or breastfed into toddler hood. I am sorry for not hearing you when you were crying out that you felt less than, or criticized in any way.
It's been a long time since I breastfed my fourth and last baby. My breastfeeding relationships were not without challenges, but were ultimately long and successful relationships. I am thankful. At the time I was active in supporting other Mom's in their breastfeeding challenges. It's easy to lose site of the emotion and focus only on the facts when reading an article. The emotion is what's real to anyone "in the heart of it" and I stepped away and forgot that for a moment. 
What I should have said to you was "there are so many challenges along the road of mothering, we all have to accept we do the best we can with what we have". What I want you to know is that we've all felt judged by each-other and I am sorry if I have contributed to that in any way...along the way of mothering. Your feelings and struggles are valid.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

How time flies

Four years ago I was just starting what would be a very long and painful journey. We lost you four years ago today, Mom.How has it already been so long?
I sat and really thought about those last moments on the way home last night. I mostly think of you and smile these days but I miss you and the time we could still be having if cancer hadn't stolen you away. I miss how much you would have loved the boys shenanigans. Gavin is a daily joy and gives us cause to giggle so often. It would have been so fun for you.
James is still the kindest hearted boy and just as you said "classic". Michael and Andrew had so much time with you and I often think of them with you at the ages Gavin and James are. They have the best memories!
We've moved forward but not a day goes by that I do not feel you. I know you were ok the minute you closed your eyes that early morning. I am ok now, but wish you were still here. We loved you into the next life just as you loved us into this one!

Monday, September 30, 2013

Just a glimpse...

I read an article about a man who saw a last glimpse of his grandmother on Google maps. You know, the site where you can zoom in and see your home(or anyone's home) in close up detail. It's a satellite photo and Andrew had recently posted on Facebook that Penny(his dog) was in the photo of his old house in Austin.
I logged on and put in your address, Mom. I hoped to see you in your back yard, watering plants in your pajama's. Maybe it would have been on one of those early mornings like the ones when I was visiting with the babies. I'd wake up and you would be outside, hose in hand, watering your plants. I hoped for one last glimpse of you, but it wasn't to be.
It's been almost 4 years. How could it be 4 years without you?

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Missed Calls

On August first, I couldn't find my phone. I started looking for it at about 9:30. I "needed" to find it. It was my day off and the boys and I were home. Jim was still home as well.
About 30 minutes later I found my phone and noticed I had missed a call from Michael. I checked my voice mail and heard a strangers voice with loud sirens and screeching in the background. He said in a nervous but clear voice. "I am calling for Michael. He's been in an accident(he drives a scooter) and is being loaded into the ambulance."
I went numb. I tried to call his phone back but it went to voice mail.
I began frantically searching for clothing while holding my phone and repeating "Oh my God, Oh my God". I couldn't find anything to put on.
I still have no idea what I wore. I told the boys to put on shoes and Jim said something about going to the hospital and calling me, to which I replied simply, "I am going".
The boys and I drove. they asked if Michael was alright. I couldn't answer. I remember saying quietly "I don't know, but we'll be ok". It was as much for myself as them. I called Andrew and left a message. I called my sister and parents.
I knew he had been taking his girlfriend to work and going to work himself. I was worried about both of them and it seems cruel to make someone find a parking space in this state, I told the boys.

We made it to the ER and were taken to Michael. He was wearing just boxers and covered in blood. I walked into the room and around to the left side and noticed the giant hole in his arm. He was shaking from the pain, so I tried to hug him and he cried out. His body was raw from road rash but miracle of all miracles, his face and head were safe! I touched his hair the way I did when he was a baby.

He had to have surgery to repair missing bone and his wound on his arm. He was in the hospital for 3 days.It was a moment in time I never want to repeat but I am so thankful to have had that moment in time with him! Another reminder that every moment is so precious!

He is working to recover and we are now battling the other drivers insurance.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

They really don't fit

James  is **gasp** almost 10. In my mind he is still so tiny. It's hard to imagine that he is halfway to adulthood. the reality set in this morning.
James has insisted he has not shorts most of the summer and I have insisted he just wasn't looking hard enough. This morning I was encouraging him to speed up his dressing so brought him an outfit. We needed to leave for science camp and he was taking far too much of his own sweet time.
He walked in, shorts halfway over his hips and said "they don't fit". His size 8 shorts, that look sooo big, really were stuck at his hips. They really don't fit! This of course means he's not a tiny boy:(