Saturday, August 28, 2010

So much...

So much is happening without Mom. Lately life is really hard and I find myself crying in the car(or in the rare case I come her to write). I just really need to talk to her. I have started just speaking to her as I drive, sometimes ending in tears sometimes starting that way.
It still feels too unbearable so much of the itme and there are such important things happening that need her attention.
Tomorrow is my brothers birthday. I know he needs her very much right now and this makes me think more about how things would be different if only you hadn't died. Why cancer, why so young?
I see Mom's and daughters all day and I wish!

Monday, August 23, 2010

School again

James and Gavin have been excited about school. James is in First Grade this year and Gavin starts Kindergarten. They both met their teachers last week and have been counting down the days.

Gavin woke up really early this morning and he and I gave Michael a ride to work. When we got home we woke up James and made a lunch for Gavin and then got dressed in uniforms to head up to school. Everything was upbeat and going well.

James found his table in the cafeteria(they all sit at a table and then the teachers come get their classes), and Gavin and I found his table. Gavin said he was feeling "shy" so we looked for people he's played with. He found his friend Cathal and went to sit next to him. As they stood up to get in line, I walked opver to walk with him(you can only do this the first week of kinder at our school), but he didn't see me. He started looking lost and saying "Mommy". I couldn't get his attention and then he started to cry. I started to cry and by the time I got to him, I was feeling pretty sad:( My sweet tiny baby! How could I leave him, he isn't big enough for kinder~but I wiped the tears and told him he was going to have so much fun! We walked to the class and he found his seat. I stayed as long as I could and told him Daddy would be there for lunch in two hours. He accpeted it. I think by now he is having fun on his first day of school.

Friday, August 13, 2010



This series entitled "The Long Goodbye" was sent to me months ago, but I am finding it so helpful again.Tonight  I am reading "Hamlet's Nt Depressed, He's Grieving.
"After my mother died, I felt that abruptly, amid the chaos that is daily life, I had arrived at a terrible, insistent truth about the impermanence of the everyday. Everything seemed exhausting. Nothing seemed important. C.S. Lewis has a great passage about the laziness of grief, how it made him not want to shave or answer letters. At one point during that first month, I did not wash my hair for 10 days."

"Grief is a bad moon, a sleeper wave. It's like having an inner combatant, a saboteur who, at the slightest change in the sunlight, or at the first notes of a jingle for a dog food commercial, will flick the memory switch, bringing tears to your eyes. "

I did not write these lines, but they are so very much mine!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Swimming and such

We went swimming with a friend today. She has a little boy who is 5 and they swam and played while we talked. It was a quick afternoon, but lovely. The boys can't stop talking about how fun it was. James in particular loved it bc the other little boys is a really good swimmer and James thought that was so fun! They had the pool practically to themselves until three older teen, young twentish girls came. They are lifeguards and were very sweet to play with the boys. My GF and I think they boys were doing a tiny bit of early flirting.

After swimming I had watering duty at the school. We have some newly planted tree's and vines we are keeping alive for the summer months. I was watering and my brother, Forest, walked up. He is working on the production that's being filmed down the street and base camp is at the school. I haven't seen much of him and it was good to see him.

Mom's owl is in the shed at the school, I noticed it when I was getting the hose out so I pointed it out as he helped us put the hose away. I gave it to the Garden so it would go to good use. Just another reminder of her today.

Not that I really need reminders. I think of her pretty often lately. I was thinking tonight of her saying "James is just a classic little boy". I was thinking of her saying that and then wondering what he will be like when he is a young man. Makes me so sad that she will miss seeing that:(

Thursday, August 05, 2010


The boys had the best time this week at Granny and Grandpa's with the cousins. DeLeon is always fun but especially for little boys and cousins of the same age!They are probably more tired than they've ever been in their tiny lives after 4 nights of sleepovers and 4 days filled with bouncing, swimming, and lots of play. Uncle Buddy brought them home and I went up to Buddy and Denise's in Prosper to pick the two worn out love bugs up. (Jim and I were missing them terribly after 4 nights).

On the way home, as is often the case, there was a disagreement. James was singing and Gavin started singing along. (This is not always allowed in the land of James).

James: "I have 100 different voices." (smiling quite proudly)

Gavin: "Well, I have 600." (he was quite happy about this, too)

James: "Then let me hear them." (James always needs proof, and for some reason Gavin always goes along with this need. )

Gavin sings a couple different sounds.

James: "Those are just noises. Those aren't voices."

Gavin sings.

James: "Regular voice." (repeat this 3 or 4 times before I intervene)

James never was asked to sing in any of his 100 voices :)