Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Birthday week

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

It is my birthday week, so my thoughts of my Mom flood in. I think of her often. I miss her often, but missing her calls on these days is a very open reminder of the distance we have between us. And of course blogging about her always brings a flood of emotions.

Last year I had a "moment" right before my birthday. I wonder what this year will bring?

This year I have made a life changing decision without talking to mom. It is the first ever, I always discussed these things with her(she was a sounding board as I did not always do things the way she would have). No a new opportunity is presenting itself, I try to think of what we would discuss. The daily conversations would be rampant right now as I would call each time I ahd a new thought and she would listen...sometimes not saying much and sometimes so much.

In an odd change of events, I didn't really discuss it with anyone until I'd made my decision. I did not find a replacement for Mom. I have kept that relationship close and guarded, there really is no "replacement". I have other relationships that have other constants, my father and stepmother, my husband and children, my siblings and relatives, but those relationships have their own nuances that are equal but seperate.

Happpy Birthday and thank you Mom.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

James and rules

James makes up games. Gavin goes along, but the games always involve James winning. He is careful to keep Gavin hanging on by a thread as his games would not work w/ just one. Oh the lives of older and younger be repeatedly for a lifetime.
James: " and your guy flies down"
Gavin: "yeah my guy has a the power to xyz"
James : "no, no. Your guy can only abc"
Gavin, crying" my guy never wins"
James: "but he can def, almost"
Gavin" okay"
James"oh, you almost made it"
Gavin usually almost makes it. Somehow he never does.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Gavin is 6

We had a little swim party for Gavin. I had an extreme Mommy fail with trying to adjust to my new job(aka working every flipping day of my life) and did not book a weekend party. Since Gavin's main concern was friends and swimming, I pulled it together in true WT fashion and we booked the patio/pool at J. Pepe's on Greenville. This may seem highly innapropriate to some, but rest assured it was heaven to me and the birthday boy. I invited my nonjudgemental friends and Gavin's friends parents to share in the delighful evening of sitting by the pool, drinking Margarita's and watching my 6 year old enjoy his swim party...and no clean up!
That night, on his very last night as a 5 year old, Gavin snuggled up on my shoulder and said "Do you like this snuggle or one of the others?"
I asked, "What are my other choices of snuggles?"
Gavin" The elbow snuggle, the tummy snuggle, or this is the arm snuggle"
We tried all three and settled on the good old arm snuggle. I hope we can keep trying them all! Always the original:)

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Happy Mothers Day

I did not want to celebrate last year. I just could not find the strength to be happy on Mothers Day after losing Mom months before. This year I am celebrating, but missing her. It is 15 months since we lost her...far too early.
I am spending the day with 2 of my sweet boys and my sweet husband. Missing the big ones:)
Hope everyone has a lovely Mothers Day!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Brighter Colors

I have been reading my posts from last year.
How much life changes in a year.
For me my Mothers death is a defining moment. It has been who I am for over a year..."My Mom just died" and in the grand scheme of things, she did "just die".
It was such a shock to my whole inner self. She fought a 6 year battle with Ovarian Cancer. I thought she'd win again. She did not and I lost the person who has been constantly closest to me. It was a terrible illness, a terribly painful and humilating way to die, but in the end an amazing moment. Very sad, but beautiful and perfect.
When you lose someone, you often hear how it will get better. I really did not enjoy these types of comments because I could not fathom it ever being better, but this year I cry less and smile more. Last year I cried every time Mom crossed my mind, sobbing deeply into this keyboard so many outlet became this blog because I could be free and talk to Mom.
I've stopped dreaming of her dieing and begging her not to die. I have missed her often and cried briefly in many of those times, but I know I am ok. She told me I would be on that last day "because you have always been so in touch with your emotions". I felt every bit of the loss I could feel and mourned so deeply I thought my life would not go on, but I sobbed and hugged my babies(and even sometimes my very willing but often left out husband), talked to Mom here, and moved through rather than over the grief.
It took about a year...interesting how we used to wear black for a year. I think we should all revisit that idea. You are just so raw for the first year. I am ready for bright colors again!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

A long time

It has been a long time since I sat in front of this screen. My Mom's birthday ws March 4, I had a dream I don't remember of her. In this dream it was peaceful and I did not cry. I woke up feeling ok, no tears or sobbing, just wishing I remembered the dream. I met a friend for coffee and cried a bit, but not the whole day.
Losing your Mother is a pain like no other. I will not call it the worst pain because losing a child must be unbearably difficult and the most unfair thing, but losing your Mom is deep and gut wrenching. For most of us it is inevitable that we will outlive our parents, but sometimes it is just cut far too short.
I went to a lovely funeral today for my brother in laws Mom. Tom(my brother in law) gave the sweetest speach. I watched the children of this Mother who passed too soon speak, and I was reminded of my sweet Mom. It is sad to see others starting this cycle of grief. All too familiar.
My parents(sometimes I feel funny when I write parents now that Mom has gone, but my stepmom has been very much my parent since I was 9) came over for the funeral. We spent a bit of time together talking.
We leave for Disney World on Friday morning. The boys have been counting down the days.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

One year ago today, my Mother was dying

I have used this blog to mourn and speak to my Mother over the last year. It is the anniversary of her last hours. At this time last year we had come to terms with her impending death.

I have decided to share the beauty of those last moments in this writing.

There was peace in the room, she was totally at peace and present. She seemed happy and smiled often. We smiled back each time.
She talked about when she had us. She said she didnt know anything when she had me and here I was this little baby. I wish I had recorded it because it was so sweet.
She was not scared, which gives me a great sense of comfort. I have not worried about her once. I know she is surrounded by the loved ones she saw and spoke of that night. It has been my longing for her I have written about.

There was so much love. My father and stepmother dropped everything to come and be there. For us, but also because they loved her. It was beautiful to see my Mother smile knowingly at my Father and him take her hand and smile back. It was the closure of an important circle, two young souls who found each other and opened their minds to a new world together.
They welcomed my Mother always as part of the whole family.She loved both of them and was excited to have them come that night. They shared us and I have always remembered them together fondly from my childhood.

We were there as her children and she was very present as our Mother. We got to be there as she took her last breaths and wish her well into the hereafter. If you can imagine a perfect death, I think this would be one.

I have missed her terribly over this last year and at 2: 08 am on 1/14 it will be one whole year without her.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Last year today
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen.
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!