How much I've learned...

In the years since I started this blog so much has changed. My babies have become boys, my boys have become young men and the one who started it all, my Mom, left me here(well, not really but it felt that way for a bit).

My babies are teaching me to stop. I don't often take moments to decompress and just be. When Gavin was an infant I couldn't even sit still long enough for him to nurse. He would often nurse, legs dangling and me doing something or chasing someone:). I joke now that he learned to eat on the go, but really I feel a sense of sadness for him that I started his life off with my sense of urgency to "do it now". I have been trying very hard to really listen to my sweet 7 and 9 now year old's, they will be gone before I know it! Can you believe James was a baby when I started this blog? Babies for but a moment in time.

My boys are teaching me that boys really do become men, far sooner than we imagine. When they are men you cannot protect them from mistakes like you could as babies and boys.  It is so much easier to be a mother to tiny tots than to boys and boys becoming men. You have to trust that the background noise playing in their heads (you know, all those things you said you "would never say again" or...)will help them make good and safe decisions, and just love them along the way! And now I wish I could say all those things for years more.

My Mom's death taught me more than I can even explain to myself. I thought I would break into tears at the thought of her for the rest of my life, I thought I would never be me again, I thought I would feel alone and empty like I did that first year, forever. I didn't and don't. I miss her so much but it doesn't feel like an open wound anymore, I feel whole and secure and happy she was who she was. I accept that she was a flawed but amazing woman and I accept that I can be flawed and amazing, too! More than anything, I know that those last days I told her what I needed and she heard us when we told her goodbye.

Sometimes...

Somtimes a moment touches you and the wishes come flooding back. I was laying in bed this morning thinking of Mom. It's only when I let the wishes and wants saturate my mind that I cry now. I think of her often and mostly it is for a moment and then I move on. It feels good to think of her and not miss her so much it hurts, but today the wishes overtook. It hurts.
I wish she was still here to see the boys, my garden, my home repainted and porch restained. I wish she was here to see my closet. She loved shopping and I have done quite a bit lately at ESCADA. She would have loved it. I would have loved it with her.
What brings on the wishes and wants...hard to tell. Mostly I think of her and smile, just wistfull of the fun and time we had together. Sometimes I miss her for selfish reasons, all the help she offered with my boys, the long talks when I needed her.
Today I thought of her and those last hours. I wished I would have brought her home and let her be here for her last moments. I think of her trying to get out of bed the hour before she died. She wanted to get out of that room. I wish I would have made that happen!

I thought of my brother, Forest Fagan, sitting beside her playing this song. So beautiful!

Understanding the absurdities

I am loving this summer. We just finished another fun family(sadly missing Andrew)trip to Mustang Island. My Aunt Gail and cousin Hypatia joined us for 5 days of sun, sand, dolphins, turtles, crabs, and a couple man of wars thrown in to stir things up. The boys swam for hours int he pool, played in the sand and even did a little skim boarding.
I also love that James is at the age of understanding absurdities in life and that he see's(and often makes me see) the humor as well. Case in point, Gavin often wants as little food as possible to get him to desert. I am not sure how this started, but nearly every meal begins with him asking "how many bites do I have to eat?" and me saying, "Just eat as much as your tummy can hold" or "Eat until you feel full".
Gavin: Can I have a dmstick?
Mommy: No, we need to eat dinner.(but honestly today was one of those days I thought about just letting him eat the ice cream)
Gavin: What can I have?
Mommy: I don't know what we are having. What about this piece of pizza(pulling out a small leftover piece of pizza)?
Gavin: Okay
He ets the pizza and get a drumstick. James walks in.
Gavin to James: I already had dinner
James(confused): What did you have?
Gavin: A piece of pizza
James(half smiling with his "what is wrong with this crazy house" look): What the heck?(shrugging) I had 3/4 of a pizza.
Mommy: Well then I guess you won't be hungry.
James: I'm not a bit hungry.
Mommy: Well you know Gavins goal is to eat as little real food as possible. You can have a desert, too.

It made me giggle!

Last year today

http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mother.html
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen.
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!

Proof

The boys had the best time this week at Granny and Grandpa's with the cousins. DeLeon is always fun but especially for little boys and cousins of the same age!They are probably more tired than they've ever been in their tiny lives after 4 nights of sleepovers and 4 days filled with bouncing, swimming, and lots of play. Uncle Buddy brought them home and I went up to Buddy and Denise's in Prosper to pick the two worn out love bugs up. (Jim and I were missing them terribly after 4 nights).

On the way home, as is often the case, there was a disagreement. James was singing and Gavin started singing along. (This is not always allowed in the land of James).

James: "I have 100 different voices." (smiling quite proudly)

Gavin: "Well, I have 600." (he was quite happy about this, too)

James: "Then let me hear them." (James always needs proof, and for some reason Gavin always goes along with this need. )

Gavin sings a couple different sounds.

James: "Those are just noises. Those aren't voices."

Gavin sings.

James: "Regular voice." (repeat this 3 or 4 times before I intervene)

James never was asked to sing in any of his 100 voices :)

Thoughts from James and Gavin

With Jim's grandfather in the process of passing and visiting Mom's grave this weekend, death comes up in our family conversations. When I was blogging the other night and crying(which does happen when I start writing to or about Mom), Gavin wanted me to "write this".

Dear Noni, I am so sorry you died. I wish you would come back to life and snuggle me and I would bring you a piece of sandwich for you to eat if you would come to life.

~Gavin

(Me "Anyhting else" Gavin "No it's just good already")

And of course James needed to added something:)

And I love you.

~James

Day 36

I have officially made it through nearly 36 days of life without my Mother. I can't imagine it. I still can't believe she is really dead but sometimes I try to convince myself of it.
"REALLY??" This is what pops into my mind at 5am, 7:30am, 9:20am, really anytime I stop to think it might be true. I cry and make mournful moaning sounds as I imagine that the answer must be "yes", when I really let myself believe it.
I say "my Mother is dead" to my husband as I yell at him that he is NOT being "there for me". I just feel so terribly alone.
Last weekend was hard. Sorting through her clothing and dealing with the drama that seems to accompany grief as we tried to work through the final steps in Austin. My Mom and I talked about how each of us(my siblings) might process her death. She thought I would be ok because I had cried and talked to her about missing her. I am NOT OK, Mom. I am so sad, you meant so much to me.
This is the only place I seem to be able to "talk" about how I feel. As I type this it is soulful and deep, when I talk it is very surface level. I do cry but mostly at night or in my car. I cannot seem to connect enough with anyone to say what I would to my Mom. She knew me and I could completely let go.
The day I left for Austin we got 12 inches of snow here in Dallas(a record). It was like a blizzarrd as we were leaving and really a scary drive:( The boys had a blast making a snow Robot(Gavin and Andrew) and then sledding on friday. Not often that the snow sticks around for more than a day.
I have worked at my store or at my Mothers for 15 days straight. I am off this weekend and plan to sleep late, get the boys a haircut and then head to the Dallas World Aquarium. On Sunday we are going to lunch with Jim's family.