Friday, February 19, 2010

Day 36

I have officially made it through nearly 36 days of life without my Mother. I can't imagine it. I still can't believe she is really dead but sometimes I try to convince myself of it.
"REALLY??" This is what pops into my mind at 5am, 7:30am, 9:20am, really anytime I stop to think it might be true. I cry and make mournful moaning sounds as I imagine that the answer must be "yes", when I really let myself believe it.
I say "my Mother is dead" to my husband as I yell at him that he is NOT being "there for me". I just feel so terribly alone.
Last weekend was hard. Sorting through her clothing and dealing with the drama that seems to accompany grief as we tried to work through the final steps in Austin. My Mom and I talked about how each of us(my siblings) might process her death. She thought I would be ok because I had cried and talked to her about missing her. I am NOT OK, Mom. I am so sad, you meant so much to me.
This is the only place I seem to be able to "talk" about how I feel. As I type this it is soulful and deep, when I talk it is very surface level. I do cry but mostly at night or in my car. I cannot seem to connect enough with anyone to say what I would to my Mom. She knew me and I could completely let go.
The day I left for Austin we got 12 inches of snow here in Dallas(a record). It was like a blizzarrd as we were leaving and really a scary drive:( The boys had a blast making a snow Robot(Gavin and Andrew) and then sledding on friday. Not often that the snow sticks around for more than a day.
I have worked at my store or at my Mothers for 15 days straight. I am off this weekend and plan to sleep late, get the boys a haircut and then head to the Dallas World Aquarium. On Sunday we are going to lunch with Jim's family.

1 comment:

Sarah @ Maison Boheme said...

Thinking of you all the time and sending love to your broken heart. I'm glad that this weekend might allow time for rest and renewal.