Sunday night I was driving to pick up Jim. I just completely lost it and was screaming and crying. Sometimes I remember...she has died. It is always a shock.
It's like my body and mind forget that she's gone in order to carry on with my daily needs. This sense of normalcy is comforting in the moment but leads to desperate feelings of loss when I come face to face with the truth that she is gone.
I had a dream this morning that really sums it up. I fell asleep on the couch so I was in a half sleep sort of state while Gavin was watching Sesame Street. In my dream my Mom was far away and I was thinking that she might miss some event that was upcoming because she could not get back for it, I woke up confused. I was still processing my thoughts from my dream and as I was waking fully remembered that she is not on a trip far away but has died...forever. I thought to myself "She can't make it back for any events" and I was once again stunned by the shock.
In the book I am reading grief is referred to as a state of insanity, a manic depressive state that passes. I completely agree.