Sunday, January 31, 2010


I am reading a book that my sweet friend, Yvonne, gave me. It is called "The Year of Magical Thinking". I must admit I thought it was about magical thinking of another sort entirely and worried that I might not get into because I can't find anything magical about death right seems sad, final, cruel, and unbearable to me.
It is about magical thinking like I am having. If I just don't stop thinking of her she won't really be dead. What I might be able to do to change the fact that she is dead. Etc., etc., etc.I keep replaying those last 3 days in my head...over and over, as if I can change them. It was so fast.
For those getting really worried about my sanity or whether I am ok...the answer is no, I am not ok and I am deep in the insanity of grief right now...but I will be ok. I feel compelled to believe this from the book I am reading and the websites and stories of grief I have studied this last week while desperately looking for a timeline of grief(there is not one bc everyone seems to do it differently;)).

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