Day 10

Today started the 10th of the 24 hours periods since my Mother died. I replay the last day with her almost every hour of those 240 + hours since her last breath. I said in some posts back that Hard doesn't doesn't describe living with an ill parent, but nothing can describe losing that parent. I have yet to find words to fill that empty spot.
I unpacked the boxes of antiquities that she left me to fill the China cabinet that was my grandmothers and then hers. EAch piece is placed now but this makes it more real. The reality of expectations of my everyday life are overwhelming...nothing to keep busy on, nothing to make this seem a dream. I cannot call her after I drop James off at school or during a break at my store. I can't call her in the car while driving. I wish I had asked her more things that last day or maybe had her call my phone and just say "I will always love you, honey". I saved a message she left for me in those last weeks, just in case...how long will it last?
There is so much more to do. We have a whole house to empty in the next months.
I miss you, Mom!
I cried in the bathtub last night. Gavin said "don't worry, you will see her in your dream one day". He says she's been in his dreams almost every night. I am waiting!