I was on a screened in upstairs porch of an apartment watering plants with two people. There were 3 dogs on the porch with me, the dogs ran down the stairs to a parking lot. A man helped catch the dogs and he and I were talking about my Mother being upstairs dying. He offered his help should we need it.
I went into the apartment and there were a lot of people, one was my grandmother, we were talking about the little cubbies in the headboard of a bed.
I walked over to my Mom, a woman was saying “you haven’t had milk in 2 weeks, why would you have it now?” I thought the milk was making my Mother feel bad. They gave her morphine(the drops she hated so much and refused to take while alive) and I said, “our goal is that she doesn't have any pain”. There had been some discussion before this but I can’t remember it.
I knelt down, my Mother was sitting, and put my head in her lap and on her arm. She touched my hair. I asked her, “could you hear us talking to you when you were dying?” Even in my dream this seemed an odd question because she did not seem dead, but she answered “yes I could hear you”.
She said “You look so pretty today” I looked at my sleeve thinking it was pink, but it was the sweater I wore to the funeral. She gave me that outfit and I chose to wear it that day because she really loved it. I wanted to say “You always look pretty”, but I woke up. In the dream it felt like the day she died…emotionally. I was crying.
I cried all night last night. I grabbed my phone, really wanting to call my Mom and tried to think of who else I could call, but it was the middle of the night.
I thought I was ok, but today I am back in the misery of grief. I guess I didn't really believe that it takes months to get back into a normal rhythm of life.