How much I've learned...

In the years since I started this blog so much has changed. My babies have become boys, my boys have become young men and the one who started it all, my Mom, left me here(well, not really but it felt that way for a bit).

My babies are teaching me to stop. I don't often take moments to decompress and just be. When Gavin was an infant I couldn't even sit still long enough for him to nurse. He would often nurse, legs dangling and me doing something or chasing someone:). I joke now that he learned to eat on the go, but really I feel a sense of sadness for him that I started his life off with my sense of urgency to "do it now". I have been trying very hard to really listen to my sweet 7 and 9 now year old's, they will be gone before I know it! Can you believe James was a baby when I started this blog? Babies for but a moment in time.

My boys are teaching me that boys really do become men, far sooner than we imagine. When they are men you cannot protect them from mistakes like you could as babies and boys.  It is so much easier to be a mother to tiny tots than to boys and boys becoming men. You have to trust that the background noise playing in their heads (you know, all those things you said you "would never say again" or...)will help them make good and safe decisions, and just love them along the way! And now I wish I could say all those things for years more.

My Mom's death taught me more than I can even explain to myself. I thought I would break into tears at the thought of her for the rest of my life, I thought I would never be me again, I thought I would feel alone and empty like I did that first year, forever. I didn't and don't. I miss her so much but it doesn't feel like an open wound anymore, I feel whole and secure and happy she was who she was. I accept that she was a flawed but amazing woman and I accept that I can be flawed and amazing, too! More than anything, I know that those last days I told her what I needed and she heard us when we told her goodbye.

Sometimes...

Somtimes a moment touches you and the wishes come flooding back. I was laying in bed this morning thinking of Mom. It's only when I let the wishes and wants saturate my mind that I cry now. I think of her often and mostly it is for a moment and then I move on. It feels good to think of her and not miss her so much it hurts, but today the wishes overtook. It hurts.
I wish she was still here to see the boys, my garden, my home repainted and porch restained. I wish she was here to see my closet. She loved shopping and I have done quite a bit lately at ESCADA. She would have loved it. I would have loved it with her.
What brings on the wishes and wants...hard to tell. Mostly I think of her and smile, just wistfull of the fun and time we had together. Sometimes I miss her for selfish reasons, all the help she offered with my boys, the long talks when I needed her.
Today I thought of her and those last hours. I wished I would have brought her home and let her be here for her last moments. I think of her trying to get out of bed the hour before she died. She wanted to get out of that room. I wish I would have made that happen!

I thought of my brother, Forest Fagan, sitting beside her playing this song. So beautiful!

Understanding the absurdities

I am loving this summer. We just finished another fun family(sadly missing Andrew)trip to Mustang Island. My Aunt Gail and cousin Hypatia joined us for 5 days of sun, sand, dolphins, turtles, crabs, and a couple man of wars thrown in to stir things up. The boys swam for hours int he pool, played in the sand and even did a little skim boarding.
I also love that James is at the age of understanding absurdities in life and that he see's(and often makes me see) the humor as well. Case in point, Gavin often wants as little food as possible to get him to desert. I am not sure how this started, but nearly every meal begins with him asking "how many bites do I have to eat?" and me saying, "Just eat as much as your tummy can hold" or "Eat until you feel full".
Gavin: Can I have a dmstick?
Mommy: No, we need to eat dinner.(but honestly today was one of those days I thought about just letting him eat the ice cream)
Gavin: What can I have?
Mommy: I don't know what we are having. What about this piece of pizza(pulling out a small leftover piece of pizza)?
Gavin: Okay
He ets the pizza and get a drumstick. James walks in.
Gavin to James: I already had dinner
James(confused): What did you have?
Gavin: A piece of pizza
James(half smiling with his "what is wrong with this crazy house" look): What the heck?(shrugging) I had 3/4 of a pizza.
Mommy: Well then I guess you won't be hungry.
James: I'm not a bit hungry.
Mommy: Well you know Gavins goal is to eat as little real food as possible. You can have a desert, too.

It made me giggle!

This year

2011 flew by...feels like I hardly caught my breath it was so quick. The boys are doing great in school, we hired a new Nanny who is FABULOUS, Andrew and Mickel are both in Austin and Andrew started school(still fingers crossed for Mikel to go back) and I changed jobs. 

In 2 days it will be 2 years since Mom died. It is still so hard to believe and I miss her every day. Every day has gotten brighter and I can officially say 2011 I came out of mourning! We are going to DeLeon this weekend to see my parents and have a special moment for her!

This year we are doing alot of home projects. It is like a tiny bit of torture each time, but the end result is good:)

Birthday week

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

It is my birthday week, so my thoughts of my Mom flood in. I think of her often. I miss her often, but missing her calls on these days is a very open reminder of the distance we have between us. And of course blogging about her always brings a flood of emotions.

Last year I had a "moment" right before my birthday. I wonder what this year will bring?

This year I have made a life changing decision without talking to mom. It is the first ever, I always discussed these things with her(she was a sounding board as I did not always do things the way she would have). No a new opportunity is presenting itself, I try to think of what we would discuss. The daily conversations would be rampant right now as I would call each time I ahd a new thought and she would listen...sometimes not saying much and sometimes so much.

In an odd change of events, I didn't really discuss it with anyone until I'd made my decision. I did not find a replacement for Mom. I have kept that relationship close and guarded, there really is no "replacement". I have other relationships that have other constants, my father and stepmother, my husband and children, my siblings and relatives, but those relationships have their own nuances that are equal but seperate.

Happpy Birthday and thank you Mom.

James and rules

James makes up games. Gavin goes along, but the games always involve James winning. He is careful to keep Gavin hanging on by a thread as his games would not work w/ just one. Oh the lives of older and younger siblings...to be repeatedly for a lifetime.
James: " and your guy flies down"
Gavin: "yeah my guy has a the power to xyz"
James : "no, no. Your guy can only abc"
Gavin, crying" my guy never wins"
James: "but he can def, almost"
Gavin" okay"
James"oh, you almost made it"
Gavin usually almost makes it. Somehow he never does.

Gavin is 6

We had a little swim party for Gavin. I had an extreme Mommy fail with trying to adjust to my new job(aka working every flipping day of my life) and did not book a weekend party. Since Gavin's main concern was friends and swimming, I pulled it together in true WT fashion and we booked the patio/pool at J. Pepe's on Greenville. This may seem highly innapropriate to some, but rest assured it was heaven to me and the birthday boy. I invited my nonjudgemental friends and Gavin's friends parents to share in the delighful evening of sitting by the pool, drinking Margarita's and watching my 6 year old enjoy his swim party...and no clean up!
That night, on his very last night as a 5 year old, Gavin snuggled up on my shoulder and said "Do you like this snuggle or one of the others?"
I asked, "What are my other choices of snuggles?"
Gavin" The elbow snuggle, the tummy snuggle, or this is the arm snuggle"
We tried all three and settled on the good old arm snuggle. I hope we can keep trying them all! Always the original:)