I did not want to celebrate last year. I just could not find the strength to be happy on Mothers Day after losing Mom months before. This year I am celebrating, but missing her. It is 15 months since we lost her...far too early.
I am spending the day with 2 of my sweet boys and my sweet husband. Missing the big ones:)
Hope everyone has a lovely Mothers Day!
QUIET LESSONS IN BREATHING DEEPLY... Lessons I'm learning along the way of parenting my 4 boys(or attempting to learn anyway)
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Sunday, May 08, 2011
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Brighter Colors
I have been reading my posts from last year.http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/04/3-months.html
How much life changes in a year.
For me my Mothers death is a defining moment. It has been who I am for over a year..."My Mom just died" and in the grand scheme of things, she did "just die".
It was such a shock to my whole inner self. She fought a 6 year battle with Ovarian Cancer. I thought she'd win again. She did not and I lost the person who has been constantly closest to me. It was a terrible illness, a terribly painful and humilating way to die, but in the end an amazing moment. Very sad, but beautiful and perfect.
When you lose someone, you often hear how it will get better. I really did not enjoy these types of comments because I could not fathom it ever being better, but this year I cry less and smile more. Last year I cried every time Mom crossed my mind, sobbing deeply into this keyboard so many nights...my outlet became this blog because I could be free and talk to Mom.
I've stopped dreaming of her dieing and begging her not to die. I have missed her often and cried briefly in many of those times, but I know I am ok. She told me I would be on that last day "because you have always been so in touch with your emotions". I felt every bit of the loss I could feel and mourned so deeply I thought my life would not go on, but I sobbed and hugged my babies(and even sometimes my very willing but often left out husband), talked to Mom here, and moved through rather than over the grief.
It took about a year...interesting how we used to wear black for a year. I think we should all revisit that idea. You are just so raw for the first year. I am ready for bright colors again!
How much life changes in a year.
For me my Mothers death is a defining moment. It has been who I am for over a year..."My Mom just died" and in the grand scheme of things, she did "just die".
It was such a shock to my whole inner self. She fought a 6 year battle with Ovarian Cancer. I thought she'd win again. She did not and I lost the person who has been constantly closest to me. It was a terrible illness, a terribly painful and humilating way to die, but in the end an amazing moment. Very sad, but beautiful and perfect.
When you lose someone, you often hear how it will get better. I really did not enjoy these types of comments because I could not fathom it ever being better, but this year I cry less and smile more. Last year I cried every time Mom crossed my mind, sobbing deeply into this keyboard so many nights...my outlet became this blog because I could be free and talk to Mom.
I've stopped dreaming of her dieing and begging her not to die. I have missed her often and cried briefly in many of those times, but I know I am ok. She told me I would be on that last day "because you have always been so in touch with your emotions". I felt every bit of the loss I could feel and mourned so deeply I thought my life would not go on, but I sobbed and hugged my babies(and even sometimes my very willing but often left out husband), talked to Mom here, and moved through rather than over the grief.
It took about a year...interesting how we used to wear black for a year. I think we should all revisit that idea. You are just so raw for the first year. I am ready for bright colors again!
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
A long time
It has been a long time since I sat in front of this screen. My Mom's birthday ws March 4, I had a dream I don't remember of her. In this dream it was peaceful and I did not cry. I woke up feeling ok, no tears or sobbing, just wishing I remembered the dream. I met a friend for coffee and cried a bit, but not the whole day.
Losing your Mother is a pain like no other. I will not call it the worst pain because losing a child must be unbearably difficult and the most unfair thing, but losing your Mom is deep and gut wrenching. For most of us it is inevitable that we will outlive our parents, but sometimes it is just cut far too short.
I went to a lovely funeral today for my brother in laws Mom. Tom(my brother in law) gave the sweetest speach. I watched the children of this Mother who passed too soon speak, and I was reminded of my sweet Mom. It is sad to see others starting this cycle of grief. All too familiar.
My parents(sometimes I feel funny when I write parents now that Mom has gone, but my stepmom has been very much my parent since I was 9) came over for the funeral. We spent a bit of time together talking.
We leave for Disney World on Friday morning. The boys have been counting down the days.
Losing your Mother is a pain like no other. I will not call it the worst pain because losing a child must be unbearably difficult and the most unfair thing, but losing your Mom is deep and gut wrenching. For most of us it is inevitable that we will outlive our parents, but sometimes it is just cut far too short.
I went to a lovely funeral today for my brother in laws Mom. Tom(my brother in law) gave the sweetest speach. I watched the children of this Mother who passed too soon speak, and I was reminded of my sweet Mom. It is sad to see others starting this cycle of grief. All too familiar.
My parents(sometimes I feel funny when I write parents now that Mom has gone, but my stepmom has been very much my parent since I was 9) came over for the funeral. We spent a bit of time together talking.
We leave for Disney World on Friday morning. The boys have been counting down the days.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
One year ago today, my Mother was dying
http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mothers-passing.html
I have used this blog to mourn and speak to my Mother over the last year. It is the anniversary of her last hours. At this time last year we had come to terms with her impending death.
I have decided to share the beauty of those last moments in this writing.
There was peace in the room, she was totally at peace and present. She seemed happy and smiled often. We smiled back each time.
She talked about when she had us. She said she didnt know anything when she had me and here I was this little baby. I wish I had recorded it because it was so sweet.
She was not scared, which gives me a great sense of comfort. I have not worried about her once. I know she is surrounded by the loved ones she saw and spoke of that night. It has been my longing for her I have written about.
There was so much love. My father and stepmother dropped everything to come and be there. For us, but also because they loved her. It was beautiful to see my Mother smile knowingly at my Father and him take her hand and smile back. It was the closure of an important circle, two young souls who found each other and opened their minds to a new world together.
They welcomed my Mother always as part of the whole family.She loved both of them and was excited to have them come that night. They shared us and I have always remembered them together fondly from my childhood.
We were there as her children and she was very present as our Mother. We got to be there as she took her last breaths and wish her well into the hereafter. If you can imagine a perfect death, I think this would be one.
I have missed her terribly over this last year and at 2: 08 am on 1/14 it will be one whole year without her.
I have used this blog to mourn and speak to my Mother over the last year. It is the anniversary of her last hours. At this time last year we had come to terms with her impending death.
I have decided to share the beauty of those last moments in this writing.
There was peace in the room, she was totally at peace and present. She seemed happy and smiled often. We smiled back each time.
She talked about when she had us. She said she didnt know anything when she had me and here I was this little baby. I wish I had recorded it because it was so sweet.
She was not scared, which gives me a great sense of comfort. I have not worried about her once. I know she is surrounded by the loved ones she saw and spoke of that night. It has been my longing for her I have written about.
There was so much love. My father and stepmother dropped everything to come and be there. For us, but also because they loved her. It was beautiful to see my Mother smile knowingly at my Father and him take her hand and smile back. It was the closure of an important circle, two young souls who found each other and opened their minds to a new world together.
They welcomed my Mother always as part of the whole family.She loved both of them and was excited to have them come that night. They shared us and I have always remembered them together fondly from my childhood.
We were there as her children and she was very present as our Mother. We got to be there as she took her last breaths and wish her well into the hereafter. If you can imagine a perfect death, I think this would be one.
I have missed her terribly over this last year and at 2: 08 am on 1/14 it will be one whole year without her.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Last year today
http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-mother.html
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen.
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!
Last year on this day my Mother went into Baylor Hospital. At the time we did not know that this was the day that would be the spiral of events leading to her death. Today I started cleaning and in doing so started moving boxes we gathered of her things. It is extremely difficult! I miss her so much and I think this week will be very emotional for me.
I was remembering the last day with her as I lay in bed last night. I wish I had taken pictures and video's. Why didn't I? It is so hard to see that this is the last time you'll be with her, even when you are watching it happen.
I have been doing so well. Feeling loss at moments but not for days or hours. This week I have been cranky, irritable and short with my husband and kids. I just have to stop and feel the loss and get through this!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Christmastime again
Having kids keeps you in the moment. For me Christmas is so busy and the last two have been consumed with my Mom's impending death, so I would like to buzz by and get to February. But, kids keep you present and focussed on the season.
The boys had a Christmas Shop at their school. they were both very excited and we gave a couple dollars to spend.
When I got home James was very excited. He ran to me with a gift in hand, a tiny ring with a purple stone. He exclaimed " I got this for you, Mommy." I of course ut it on.
Daddy said " And look what I got" It was a pen that said "BEST GRANDPA"
I laughed histerically, Jim did not. He's a party pooper!
We went for a drive around our neighborhood the next night. The boys love Christmas lights.
There is a neighbor a couple streets over who is always very festive. He had The nativity scene with the usual characters in the yard, but a Santa atood behind the manger. On the porch was a Mickey Mouse and other charachters.
Gavin exclaimed " Look Mommy, it's God and Mickey Mouse". Somehow even with my beliefs of acceptance of others beliefs, this just didn't seem to make sense. But to Gav it was perfect:)
And on this day last year:
http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2009/12/sad-news-today.html
It was one of the saddest days in a Dr's office ever. I thought the day they went over my belly for 20 minutes looking trying to determine if my baby would be ok was to be, but this topped it by far:( My sweet Mom tried so hard to make it ok, but it ended up so wrong.
The boys had a Christmas Shop at their school. they were both very excited and we gave a couple dollars to spend.
When I got home James was very excited. He ran to me with a gift in hand, a tiny ring with a purple stone. He exclaimed " I got this for you, Mommy." I of course ut it on.
Daddy said " And look what I got" It was a pen that said "BEST GRANDPA"
I laughed histerically, Jim did not. He's a party pooper!
We went for a drive around our neighborhood the next night. The boys love Christmas lights.
There is a neighbor a couple streets over who is always very festive. He had The nativity scene with the usual characters in the yard, but a Santa atood behind the manger. On the porch was a Mickey Mouse and other charachters.
Gavin exclaimed " Look Mommy, it's God and Mickey Mouse". Somehow even with my beliefs of acceptance of others beliefs, this just didn't seem to make sense. But to Gav it was perfect:)
And on this day last year:
http://aboysmomx4.blogspot.com/2009/12/sad-news-today.html
It was one of the saddest days in a Dr's office ever. I thought the day they went over my belly for 20 minutes looking trying to determine if my baby would be ok was to be, but this topped it by far:( My sweet Mom tried so hard to make it ok, but it ended up so wrong.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
A new dream
Sometimes I think I should rename this blog "Missing Mom" because for the last year it seems it all I write about, but then it is Mom who created this person who used to write about funny day to day things my children do and say and the worries, concerns, thoughts and joys that go along with being " a boys mom x 4". So I guess it fits even this year:)
James turned 7 on 11/26. He has lost another tooth, making him a "gummy boy" as his Daddy called him today. He has 4 teeth missing and looks very cute.
I had a new dream last night of Mom. We went for a walk down to the ocean. I remember wanting to say "I really wish you wouldn't die" but did not. We talked as we walked and I said "this is a long way." I can't remember what she said, but I remember thinking in the dream how hard it would be for her to walk back and then realizing she wouldn't need to walk back. Somehow walking to the ocean was all there was. I did not wake up crying and I did not cry in the dream. It seemed calmer.
I miss her terribly. She was always at the boys birthday parties. She has now missed two.Last year she rode the train up for James party at Chuck E Cheese and she was so sick. Simon picked her up and brought her. She just sat there and Tom sat and talked to her. She was so appreciative of that and commented how kind he always is. She gave James his first money and he was so excited to get real money.
This year Granny and Grandpa gave him money in his card. I was happy they did because Mom would have if she had been here.
James turned 7 on 11/26. He has lost another tooth, making him a "gummy boy" as his Daddy called him today. He has 4 teeth missing and looks very cute.
I had a new dream last night of Mom. We went for a walk down to the ocean. I remember wanting to say "I really wish you wouldn't die" but did not. We talked as we walked and I said "this is a long way." I can't remember what she said, but I remember thinking in the dream how hard it would be for her to walk back and then realizing she wouldn't need to walk back. Somehow walking to the ocean was all there was. I did not wake up crying and I did not cry in the dream. It seemed calmer.
I miss her terribly. She was always at the boys birthday parties. She has now missed two.Last year she rode the train up for James party at Chuck E Cheese and she was so sick. Simon picked her up and brought her. She just sat there and Tom sat and talked to her. She was so appreciative of that and commented how kind he always is. She gave James his first money and he was so excited to get real money.
This year Granny and Grandpa gave him money in his card. I was happy they did because Mom would have if she had been here.
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