Selfishness and uncertainty

I am tired. I am worn out physically and mentally from caring for my Mom. She is at a stable point, but nowhere near well. I am most tired of the uncertainty cancer brings. It is uncertain on a daily basis whether she is getting better or getting worse. She is nearing day 17 and is waiting to lose her hair again(she lost it the first round of chemo, but not the second). They are using the same chemo's that were used the first round.
This will seem somewhat selfish, but I am tired of being asked "How's your Mom?". It is a daily and well meaning question. I know it is asked out of love, but every time I hear it I want to scream! I want to say "She is either living or dying. I have no idea!", but instead I do my best to answer. The truth is, I have no idea!! She is not the person she was 2 months ago, but maybe she can be this way a long time??? Again, I have no idea?!?!
It is hard being a patient mom and caretaker!

Selfishness and uncertainty

I am tired. I am worn out physically and mentally from caring for my Mom. She is at a stable point, but nowhere near well. I am most tired of the uncertainty cancer brings. It is uncertain on a daily basis whether she is getting better or getting worse. She is nearing day 17 and is waiting to lose her hair again(she lost it the first round of chemo, but not the second). They are using the same chemo's that were used the first round.
This will seem somewhat selfish, but I am tired of being asked "How's your Mom?". It is a daily and well meaning question. I know it is asked out of love, but every time I hear it I want to scream! I want to say "She is either living or dying. I have no idea!", but instead I do my best to answer. The truth is, I have no idea!! She is not the person she was 2 months ago, but maybe she can be this way a long time??? Again, I have no idea?!?!
It is hard being a patient mom and caretaker!

Smoothie

Gavin wanted a smoothie. I told him we didn't have the ingredients to make a smoothie. He quickly informed me that we do and gave me a reciper:
2 banana's
2 mashed pototoes
2 water cups
2 berries
some juice
mud

Gavin wanted a smottie today. I told him we don't have ingrediants for a smoothie(a mommy fib because I had no desire to make a smoothie).
He quickly informed me that we do. He even gave me the recipe:
2 banana's
2 mashed potato's
2 berries
2 water cups
some juice

Update on my Mom

First of all let me say...Happy New Year. I cannot believe it is 2009! I resolve to be healthier, love more, and live more fully, etc...on to the update.

My Mom is out of the hospital. She is at my house right now but will spend time at my brothers in Frisco as well. We go to her oncologist on Wednesday and hopefully she will be starting chemo next week as well(she has an opening in her incision due to infection and we're trying to get it to heal properly before they start chemo). She is very weak but seems to get better each day. Today she ate more food than she has in months and is excited about it.She does have pain in her abdomin that we will ask her oncologist about. She is taking morphine.
We are learning how all this works. Today I have flushed her pic line w/ saline, injected heperin into her pic line, dressed incision and helped her change her iliostomy bag. All of this just to get her healthy enough to start the real fight against cancer.

Here is her Caringbridge site: http://caringbridge.org/visit/lynnlichtenfels

In the world of all boys...

James, Gavin and I were reading Polar Express. There is a picture of the little boy and his sister. Since my kids have no sisters apparently this is what they think:

Gavin: "There's the boy and his brother named Girl"(pointing the picture of the boy and his sister).

Awe...boys:)

My Mom

My Mother has a bowel obstruction from scar tissue that formed around clips from her ovarian cancer surgery(and/ or possibly a reocuurance of ovarian cancer). She has been batttling ovarian cancer since 2004. Her Dr. in Austin has been treating her for another recurrance and has stated several times that the surgery will do nothing but treat the symptoms so she must have chemo before surgery. The symptoms from the obstruction nearly killed her last week(we thought it was the cancer). We'd had enough and I found a Dr in Dallas and moved her up here. She is now in Baylor after collapsing Friday night and becoming increasingly weak. They admitted her Friday and have kept her on IV fluids and potassium since.
My Mother is going to have a major bowel resection surgery this week. I do not know how long she will be in the hospital, but with her current weakened state and the chemo still in her body this will be a very hard surgery to recover from. She was very near death from medical mismanagement in Austin and we do feel hopeful and that this surgery is her best course of action at this point, but are very worried.
They will discontinue chemo until she has recovered from the surgery which could take months. She will not be strong enough to tolerate the chemo. The Dr will know more about the cancer situation when they operate.
Wow! What a rollercoaster. I have been crying bc my Mom was dying and now I'm angry bc she should have been treated and possibly well by now. I am not good with death, don't think there is anything to like about death. I have been immersed in what I thought was a death coming for the last couple months. I have lived and breathed my Mothers death and felt it! I am not sure we needed to do that. It seems this all could have been treated with a surgery(albeit a risky and horrible surgery but not death!). We are now hopeful for the first time in weeks. Every week I have watched my Mother getting worse...now I am hopeful she will get better!
Thank you for any thoughts and prayers you offer. We have been staying at the hospital most days and nights.