Silence

I find that I can talk to Mom very openly when I sit at this keyboard. I do not hold back. Unspoken words,tears and emotions flow as freely as if she were sitting right here. Perhaps even freer because often I am very careful about my outpourings~it is easier for me to feel anger than sadness most times.
I talk  to her in keystrokes and sometimes in the middle I will mutter, in half sobbing words, "oh, Mom". I feel that she is close and can hear me, but I cannot hear her no matter how closely I listen. The silence is what gets me every time.

Happy Meats

My goal as much as possible is to eat "happy meats". This means they were not raised in pens or cages that are too small for them to stand. I try to only buy meats at Whole Foods.
Jim frequently makes fun of me for this and ther have been many discussions about "happy meats".
Today at Whole Foods James said: Is this the place where the animals don't have to die.
Me: Well they have to die to be eaten but they have happier lives.

When we got home tonight James said to Daddy: Dayy, remember how Mommy said that she wouldn't eat animals that got killed?
Daddy: Well that's not really what she said. She said they were "happy".
James: I don't see how they could be happy when they are all chopped up.

Gavin and I were outside and I was watering. I accidently sprayed him a bit.

Gavin: Now I got all fixed up for Lily(my friend Rachel's 7 year old daughter) and you ruined it.


Me: Do you have a tiny crush on Lily or something?

Gavin: Well, I tell her I love her and she doesn't mind

Thoughts from James and Gavin

With Jim's grandfather in the process of passing and visiting Mom's grave this weekend, death comes up in our family conversations. When I was blogging the other night and crying(which does happen when I start writing to or about Mom), Gavin wanted me to "write this".

Dear Noni, I am so sorry you died. I wish you would come back to life and snuggle me and I would bring you a piece of sandwich for you to eat if you would come to life.

~Gavin

(Me "Anyhting else" Gavin "No it's just good already")

And of course James needed to added something:)

And I love you.

~James

Something for Mom

You were talking of a place you felt at peace

And entities in your midst to meet

So I watched you slip away silently

I knew you would not come back to me

I touched you and told you I loved you
and that is was ok to go

You were the love that made me whole
I know your heart in my soul

I called to you as you breathed those last times
I know your spirit heard mine

I can almost feel you reaching to touch my hair
There are gentle whispers in the air

Tingling as my sobs break through again
I mourn you with no end

5 months

It is always on the anniversaries that I miss Mom the most. This morning at 2:08am it was 5 months since I said goodbye. It was really 5 months yesterday that I should remember because that was my last full day with Mom.
We went to my family reunion on my Grandmothers side(my fathers Mother). The Allison Reunion. Lately seeing people I know may leave soon is painful. I tear up as I say goodbye and have to stop myself because it will likely seem strange to others. My fathers parents are still in fairly good health for mid 90's but time does creep up on even the healthiest. I feel sad that I don't see them more and sad when I do see them(because I am just not good at letting people die).
We went to Mom's grave and planted some lavendar. Dad and Susie(really my second Mom almost all my life) went with me. Susie bought the lavendar to plant there. They both go by and take care of Mom. I've noticed how available my Dad is to me. These things also make me feel sad but in a loved way.
Gavin went with us. He told Dad, "your stepping on Noni" and pointing out again that she wanted some water.Dad explained that she really can't feel us where she is now. I wish she could:(
On our way home we got some terrible news, Jim's Grandfather John suffered a stroke and heart attack. Today we went up to the hospital and watched a monitor as I had 5 months ago. John looked so good, not at all pale like my Mom had. I watched the blood pressure falling and felt so much loss and sadness for his immediate family. It is just unbearable to say goodbye!
I wish them a much softer transition than I have had through grief. Grief is such an intimate and personal time but love surrounding you is so powerful. Much love to those entering into this process.

Redo

Reread the story of my Mom's passing. Wow...that never get's easier:( I did manage to correct a couple typo's through the tears, though.