Monday, July 19, 2010

6 months and I wish you wouldn't die

It has been six months now since Mom slipped away. I think back so often to the days and weeks before her death. It seemed like a long time we had between the news the cancer was back and the final night, but it wasn't. It was only  6 weeks from the day we learned and just 1 month from the Dr's news that the chemo was no longer working. I had never put the timelines together.

I stood in the kitchen last night thinking of Mom. Often I shoo the memories from my mind because I don't like to go to the sad, dark place where her death is real. Last night along with so many times these last couple of weeks, I let them be. I thought of how sad she was when she had to tell the board she was on that she would not be able to come to the meeting in January. I though of how much she wanted to go back to her home and get things in order and most of all how much she wanted to call each of her clients. I started sobbing, but could not quiet the emotion so went into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. I thought of her last bath when I helped her into the tub and what we talked about. I was crying and Jim called down the hall "Amy, what's going on". There really is no good response to this, but I mustered up the ability to calmly say"just feeling sad about my Mom". (My Mom is Dead and I am  so sad!)

We went to see my Mom's sister and brother in Ohio. I've gone to Ohio my whole life and have really great memories from childhood there. I needed to go and we planned it since the weeks after Mom's death. Driving there and knowing this was not something I could share with Mom made it really hard. I missed her so much on the way. I wanted to be able to tell her about it.

My Dad is getting together with his bandmates from his early twenties. He and Mom were together then. A reunion my Mom helped me initiate. She would have loved to see it happen. When I told my Dad this he said "Oh she knows, I've been going by and talking to her. She'll be there." I almost couldn't breath when he said it, so sweet and so sad! He said her grave was looking really good and he was putting compost on it.I cried for a long time after we hung up. It is so emotional to have him and Susie care for her grave and so wonderful.

I haven't been feeling well and this leads me to thoughts of my children. Making sure all is in order so they would be taken care of should I die before they were old enough to say goodby. My Mom was only 60 so that would nake Gavin just 25, I know a morbid thought but real in a sense.

Of course I am sobbing as I type this. Gavin tenderly walked in and hugged me. I said "I'm sad about Noni" and he said "I know. Can you type something?"

"Dear Noni, I wish you wouldn't die."

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