1 year

It has been a year since Mom came to have hernia surgery and the cancer was once again discovered. It is two and a half months until the anniversary of her death. I have been dreaming of her, dreams of dreams and dreams of phone calls. She's always just out of reach.
This song makes me think of Mom:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7j1uogI02A

Shake all those cares away

I don't care! I have always been a person who cared very much about "appearances". I can quickly turn from spitting mad to a smile, because I am private and don't want people to know that there is anyhting less than perfection in my life;) I spend a whole day cleaning before anyone come over, etc. This has manifested itself in over a year of of having noone over to my home.
We have a very old home(1915 Craftsman) and it requires constant work. Add to that the fact that we are not good at completing projects(some of us worse than others) efore starting a new one and I am too frugal...err...cheap, to pay someone to do things we can do ourselves. T/hen top that all off with a terminally ill mother living in my home off and on for ove a year before she passed away leavin me numb and unable to think of completing ANYTHING.
Well, I have decided to invite a couple people over, half-done projects and all and I won't e ome to clean the whole day because I'm working.  I just don't care!! I am not perfect and my home is FAR from perfect but I can drink a glass of wine and say "excuse the mess until my kids are grown!" Say a tiny prayer that I can keep this attitude through Saturday.

From the mouth of James

James and I were laying in bed watching tv. This commercial came on:


After the first sentance James looked over at me and said: Well, for you, not yet.

Comforting, Jamesee;) Good to know.

Rainbows

Last night we were discussing Gavin's school work. He brings home worksheets that he has completed and they are covered in strips of crayon colors. They are fully covered, often with a few blocks of color in the wide strips. I wandered what his teacher thought.
Me: Gav, what does your teacher think about you coloring your work?
Gavin: She likes it.
Me: These are beautiful. Where do you get the idea's for your artwork?
Gavin: I have rainbows in my head.

Moments in ordinary days

Today I have been working on the Silent Auction I am chairing for William Lipscomb PTA on 11/4. We have some great donations but I was following up and looking for more. (everyone reading this should plan to come to the auction;))
As I was walking around I saw a Yoga studio my Mom had attended when she would come visit. It was important to her and she really liked the person she saw there. I felt compelled to cross the street and drop off a donation.
It looked like it might be closed, but I trucked along and pulled the handle. It was empty, but a woman was sitting at the front putting on her shoes.
She said "Are you looking for___"
Me:" I'm actually just here to drop off a request for our Auction" I introduced myself.
She: "Oh well, then maybe it's me you're looking for. I'm Michelle."
Me: "I think it is." (Somehow I really felt I had been looking for her. I gave the info and she kindly agreed she'd donate)
Me:" I also wanted to tell you that my Mother used to come here and she really enjoyed it."
Michelle asked my Mothers name and said she knew exactly who she was and really loved her. We talked about her passing and she had heard, she said she'd been so surprised.  She asked how I was. I said "ok" but then as we talked I teared up. She hugged me and said she was so glad I'd told her who I was. That I was so lucky to have had Lynn as my Mother, that she was such a powerful person.
I needed to hear that and feel my Mother today.
I do feel so lucky because I felt so connected to my Mom. Not because my Mom was perfect, she was far from it and we did not have a "perfect" or "fluffy" relationship. She was real and taught me to be real. I knew she loved me and that was perfect! She was so available to me and I miss her support!!!
Tomorrow is my birthday. She grew me and nurtured me and loved me. Tomorrow was important to her.
I miss her this month. This month is big for us. I
I also miss her this month because it is big for me. My kids are big for me and James' mass is back. It's very worrisome and dissapointing. We had hoped it was gone...miracles seemed to be happening the summer we went to Houston. My Mom and Dad/Stepmom were so supportive, I will miss calling Mom for this.

James

James lost both his front teeth last week. He is very excited to be growing up. Today he proudly showed me how his tongue fits between his two front teeth while his jaw is closed.

Criss Cross Apple Sauce with no hands

We went to eat at my favorite Dallas Tex Mex Spot last night, Marianno's. We've frequented Marianno's since Michael and Andrew were little boys. James and Gavin refer to it as "the horsey restaurant because among other thigs, it has the old fashioned ride on horses.
Last night Gavin was ridig and he's become so comfortable that he does tricks. He was doind one when he slipped and hit right below is eye on the metal coin box. It was a terrible hit and he has an extremely swollen black eye. He had been in a cross legged position when I saw him slipping and hit.
In the car I asked what he was doing.
Gavin: I was doing criss cross apple sauce, no hands, pretend you're falling.
Mommy: But you really fell and hurt yourself.
Gavin: But the audience loved it.