Gavin said she would come to me in my DREAMS.
In the last weeks I have had some amazing dreams. I've not been into analysis(my Mom was always into that), but I feel sure these are meaningful, maybe even connections. If this goes against your belief system and you are reading, know that I respect that. It may not even be part of mine...who knows. It is comforting to believe my Mother is connecting, so I'll go with that for now.
I had this dream right after she died:
First dream of Mom
I have dreamed of her several times but I have had very little memory. The recurrent theme is at the end of the dream I say over and over "Please don't die, Mom" and wake up crying. There are three recent vivid dreams. These started at the anniversary of her last diagnosis last year.
Dream 1. I am dreaming of dreaming and saying please don't die and crying. I wake up from the "dream" crying and then wake up.
Dream 2. The phone is ringing and I pick it up. I say "Hello". Mom says " Amy", the operator comes on and starts telling me what I have to do to accept the call. I try but am unable to get it done and I wake up.
Dream 3. We are together for a long time in this dream at a lovely tree filled facility of some sort. There are tennis courts and a large group of us. We took a walk together as a group and then paired into teams, I was left out of the tennis teams because there were 5 of us.
I went and sat down with Mom who was talking to Martha about their lives and times together. There were alot of my Mothers pictures and two women were looking through them, I felt like I needed to explain something to them. They seemed somewhat judgemental.
We went for another walk, they went into a room and I followed. There was a large bath. Simon was running the water and standing in it. I asked Mom "Do you want to take another bath"? She said "Yes"
I think we were all in the water at this point.
Mom and I went back outside, I touched her face and said "I don't want you to die"
Mom said "Do you want me to live a life immortal? I'm going to die tonight alert and active and you're going to help me."
I say over and over "I don't want you to die, Mom". I wake up crying.
It was about 4 am, but I've lost too many dreams so I got up and wrote it down with a sharpie in the dark.
Gavin saw it yesterday and asked why I wrote on his pumpkin.
QUIET LESSONS IN BREATHING DEEPLY... Lessons I'm learning along the way of parenting my 4 boys(or attempting to learn anyway)
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1 comment:
Amy, I often remember standing outside the hospital room that night and hurting for you because your mom and I shared a special love for all of you in ways of both watching you through mother eyes. I heard you say "mom, don't die" it tore the heart right out of me for I could not help keep her here for you either. You know I lost my mom, too about 9 years ago Dec 11th. I still will see her in my dreams, my dad sometimes to as also my brother. I see nothing but good in going with the flow of the love you will always have for her, you are very blessed to be able to continue to feel warmth and love of knowing her. For years, and still sometimes, I feel comfort in knowing my dad and mom could be watching over me..if not in a physical/spirital heavenly way, but because of the feelings that connect me to those special ways they held, cared and loved me. I understand, I don't pretend to every replace her, never did..but in my bond with her... you will always be my loving daughter who cared so much for Lynn, your mother. Dream and be comforted that she is part of your life, and always will be. NOt lost not forgotten, in you strongly dearest. Cry and smile, too. You are very special!!!! I love you!
Susie
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